Thursday, March 17, 2011

School, Home, and Life In General

So here's how things are going lately. I just got kicked out of school and am doing homeschool and helping my mom around the house. Things are super stressful with my dad not home and my depression is kicking my butt. I'm really lonely and I get bored A LOT. I don't see friends that often and this week I have but it's been very stretched time if you know what I mean. I'm tired constantly and I don't want to get up to do anything. My room is being finished in two weeks and not even that is bringing me up right now. I feel like crying. My writing has been stopped for a while because I feel so crappy, and honestly I just need some positive attention from my friends, but it's not coming. All anyone seems to want to talk about is their problems, and how I got caught, and why i got kicked out of school. It's fine to talk about that stuff but it's like no one knows what else to say, and I'm guessing they probably don't. Friends that promised to call and text haven't even Face-booked me, and a bunch of people have deleted me. Honestly, I need to vent and I probably need a massage on my back and neck since I sit in front of a computer all the time, but I'm not getting either.

I'm confused. I thought that everyone would still love me if I didn't go to school with them, but lately I'm getting the opposite reaction. I understand that a lot of them are probably upset with how I handled things, but everyone seems to be past that, and just into how i got caught. I don't want to talk about how I got caught!! I want to hang out and talk like a normal human being! My friends in Morgan haven't come to see me once since I got kicked out, My boyfriend dumped me because I got kicked out, and I'm still mad at myself for getting kicked out. This just isn't working out the way it should and it's bothering me. The move is getting slightly closer, though not soon enough. I just want it to be here already so I can leave my Utah life and reputation behind. I don't want to leave my family and my friends, but I don't want to stay like THIS.

A lot of this is ranting and just getting out emotions, but as I sit here bawling and writing this, I know one thing and one thing alone. I'm sick and tired of the way things panned out for me, and it's time to change it. I don't want anymore druggie friends, or clothes, or hairstyles. I want to change my hair, my wardrobe, and my life. What I want is to turn back into the person I know I am deep inside, the problem? I just don't know how to find that person anymore. I've buried her too deep, let her get too hurt, and left her alone for too long. So, I propose a plan, and anyone can join me on it. Spring cleaning this year? It's gonna be self-cleaning to. I'm cleaning out my closet, changing out my hair, fixing my relationships. I'm gonna find the person I want to be, cuz I don't want to be THIS person anymore. No, I may not have the money to do any of this, but I will find it somehow, even if it means babysitting my butt off. SOOOO, anyone need a babysitter? :)


  1. I loved your post. I think you do needs some spring cleaning. Me too!!!! I haven't abandoned you. I know it isn't the same!

  2. I haven't abandoned you either. I can help with the hair. When Kaleigh get's feeling better I'll come out. The kids are out of school Monday so maybe then.

  3. I loved the post, Makae! I think the Spring Cleaning is a good idea. Not just for the material possessions, but also for the soul. I think I'm going to do the same thing!


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