Suicide and UNI

Ok, so most of you, being my family, now I tried to commit suicide on Tuesday the 24th. I took over 300 mg of anti-depressants. I chickened out and told my mom, who took me to the hospital. I was then admitted into a Neurophyscology center called UNI. I was there from 1 am Wednesday the 25th until 10 am Thursday the 2. I have to say this was very different from home. We woke up at 7:30 and had our blood pressure and temperature taken, and turned in some paperwork about how we had been feeling in the last day or so. Then we went to breakfast and were in group therapy most of the day. Family (My parents decided who) could visit during lunch and dinner and on Wednesdays there is a family group therapy. We went to bed at ten, unless you were a level 4, then you could stay in the day room until 10:30. Lights out when level 4s came to bed, and then it would all start all over again.

While there I was assigned a Staff, or someone to help me, everyday. I was also assigned a team, which was Dyana, my social worker, Dr. Reinflesh, my doctor, and Doctor Kahn, My therapist. These were the people who would decide when I got to go home. I was assigned a roommate, who I became really close with, and group and a schedule. It seemed very hectic and frightening, but actually, It was really calm and very helpful.

I came home yesterday, and still don't know if I'm going back to regular school, and I really actually miss UNI. My friends there, the staff, the day room, the doctors, everything. It's so weird to be home and not be with the people I have been so close to for a week. My Bffs there were Megan, Jess, Jessica, Randy, Kieran, Marcus, Conner, Teylor, Reed, and Roobb. The last two are staff, more specifically mine, but most of the others are patients. I will be able to keep in touch with them, but the one I miss the most, Is Bob. Kieran  always went by Bob, and he was my very closest friend there. He was the one that would make me feel better after a DISASTEROUS  visit, and he was the one that made me open up to the group and really work on my treatment there. He is also the one that made me get up and sing in front of the entire group several times. He was a great friend and I might be able to find him through Megan and Jess, but I really miss him.

Coming home, I didn't wake up until 7:30, and I was very confused on where I was. I am so used to Meg sleeping on the other side of the room and Jimmy Neutron (Roobb) walking through the hall saying "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, it's time to get up and have your vitals checked." that when I woke up in my own yellow room with my dad at the door saying "Time to wake up" That I nearly bolted and I was freaked out. Then I remembered that I was home and that UNI was in Salt Lake. I woke up and went through the same schedule, without the vitals and paperwork. It felt very odd.

At UNI, I think I really figured out alot of things that were not being very helpful to me, and that part of the reason my life has been so hard for me is myself. I have made it harder and I realized how I could change that. Most of my thinking and figuring things out didn't happen until I was placed on IDP. This is Inside Development Plan and it's basically where you have to write essays all day and can't leave your room or talk to anyone but staff and your treatment team. It was really hard, but It was really helpful. 

I don't know if my parents have noticed, but since I have been back, I am alot less talkative. I think this mostly comes from something Bob said to me. "Your words need to mean something, otherwise it's just another thing your saying that nobody really listens to, especially when you dodge around your own point. People get sick of it." He said this to me while I was refusing to talk in CORE group and talking constantly during free time. I thought about it and it's true. If you just talk to talk, there is no point to your words, but If your words have meanings behind them, there is a point and more people will listen. After that I opened up in group, and I talked less in freetime, but I still talked and still had fun. I learned some card games as well as some other ways to relieve stress and calm down for a while. We had groups, like CORE, where you worked and tried to figure important issues in your life out. We also had groups where it was just everyone bringing up issues at UNI, Like A.M. Community. We had groups where it was relaxing and relieving stress, Like Music  Therapy. We had groups where we learned things, Like Pysch Tech.  We had alot of groups and all of them taught us something.

Most importantly was CORE group. That is, as my friend Kacee said, where we get to the Core of things and really solve our problems. I know that in this group I learned alot about myself, how to deal with things, and possible problems that could come up and how to deal with them. This was a really important group and it was the most helpful for me.

We also had a levels system. When you first arrived you are 1-a, and then everyday if you have less than three zeros, for innappropriate behavior, talking out of tunr, etc., then you would move up. At level four you have 4 x1 4x2 and then you are the highest you can be, VIP. Very Important Patient, and you have the maximum freedom available at UNI, which isn't much, but it doesn't have to be much because while there it seems like a lot.

UNI helped me and I made real friends there who I know will stick by me, but I don't want to go back. I think I've done what I need to do, and now I'm going to do what I need to do, and going back to UNI is not on that list.

LOVE

Maddi