Tomorrow

It seems all my posts are about the next day or my BPD, so here's another one with both.

Tomorrow, we find out for sure, whether or not I will go to residential, or I will go to Summit Day Treatment.

Everyone cross your fingers and pray that I can stay with my family and attend Day Treatment.

"Thy Will be Done"

Signing off

--Maddi

The Day That I Die

Tomorrow we find out if they are going to send me to Day Treatment, or to Residential Treatment for the next 2+ years. I'm def scared. I know I won't be going to school for a while, and my mom says there is a possibility that I may have to graduate a year later than my peers, which is ok I guess. At least then I will be 18 when I graduate instead of 17. With Day Treatment if I complete my treatment fast enough, I may be able to make up any credits that I miss to graduate at the same time as my peers.

Honestly, graduation and school seem so inconsequential compared to facing 2+ years in a mental hospital away from my family. Cade would be 18 by the time I get out, if that doesn't tell you something, it ought to.

As for graduating with people my age, or people I know my age, I could care less. For the most part, I find that the people my age can't handle my problems and so I can't make very good lasting relationships.

The biggest thing that scares me is not going to Res, although that would suck. It's that this is going to get worse. It's that I won't be ok, until I'm 20 or 30. If the doctors diagnosis is correct and this is "emerging" BPD, then I am going to get much much worse. With 2 attempts on my record, and BPD having the highest suicide rate, plus the fact it's not going to get better for 6+ years, that's a scary thought, even when you don't want to think about.

Another huge downside to Res, besides that they are so expensive, is that Kelly and Jamie just had twins (yay them!!) and If I go, I won't be able to meet them until they are 2+, after I get out.

My parents want Day Treatment, as do I, but Dr. Goldstein thinks that Residential Treatment would be better for me.

It has the highest rate of helpfulness for people with BPD, and even then it's not very high. In fact, most all forms of treatment don't work very well.

Of Course, if you haven't already heard all of this, you haven't read my mom's blog.


But obviously, I do not want to spend 2+ years away from home. In that time, my family may move, which means I would never see this house again, or my room.

For those who don't know, I took 14 pills, or 700 mg, of a anti-depressant, that works as my sleep aid. In other words, I took 700 mg of sleeping pills.

So tomorrow is the day that I die (go to res) or live (day treatment).

I say that, because not seeing my family or being home for so long is like a little death for me, a little death inside me.


Signed

Maddi

Tagged

Where is your cell phone right now? In my pocket

Your significant other? IDK haven't met him yet

Your Hair? Dark brown and cute

Your Mother? Upstairs being a butt and telling me stuff to make me be correct

Your Father? In Washington D.C. Happy about that cuz no maht this week

Your favorite place? Does my room count?

Your dream last night? I was running from a very difficult proof that I can't seem to solve

Favorite Drink? Milk!!

Your dream/goal?  To not move

The Room your in? Dining

Your Fear? My Young Women's group and being hated

Where do you want to be in six years? Let's see I will 19 so hopefully in college

Where were you last night? At a skating party with my friend Emily

Why your not motivated? HEY! WHO SAID I WASN"T MOTIVATED!!!! I JUST DON"T LIKE CLEANING THE DANG THING!! (the dang thing being my room)

Muffins? Can I have a blueberry the size of your face?

One of your wishlist items? NO MOVING

Where did you grow up? SOutH WebER ut

The last thing you did? Put another tagged post up

What are you wearing? Blue Jeans, Pink Aeropostale Polo, beat up Converse tennys, black over shirt, cute headband

Your TV? The boys are watching Happily N'ever After

Your Pets? A fish with no name, and the rest have been dead for a while

Your Computer? My moms broke, she got a new one, I use the broken one!

Your Life? Could be better if some certain boys would leave me alone, but for the most part I like it

Your mood? Content

Missing Someone? Ashley Lopez, Kambrea, Dirk, and Dad....

Your Car? I don't have one, which my parents can sing the hallelujah chorus about, others wise it would be wrecked along with them and me

Something your not wearing? GLoves and a hat

Favorite store? Aeropostale

Your Summer? BOOORING!!! jk it was way fun

Your Favorite color? Black

When is the last time you laughed? Last night with Em :)

Last time you cried? Last night when I was getting mean texts from a guy that I thought was my friend

Four places I would rather be right now: On a cruise, In London, On a Girls Day, or with Ashley

Four of my favorite foods: Quesdillas, apples, Marshmallow Mateys, Feddicini alfredo

Four people I think will post this: Mom, Abbey, Melinda, Jamie

IF YOU READ THIS I TAG YOU!!!

Emotions (the Male Side)

After Dirk commented on it I thought a post on the boys would be interesting so here they are. they are short since there are so many of you

Grandpa-A really fun neat guy. He speaks German and he travels a lot. Married to Grandma, He is really childish in his love for firecrackers.

Dad-Also very childish and traveling alot for the same reasons, this is the man who helped create me. I can't say I like him all that often as he is my math teacher, but he is a fun dad, and he is a dork. He always tickles the heck out of me and wants to go do stuff outdoors.

Dirk-The Army Man, with two brats and a wife living in Utah, while he's over in afgahnistan. Not the best place to be, but who says he had a choice? He is very smart, and at a time I knew him better, since I lived with him, but I'm sorry to say this isn't that time.

Ira-Mauri's husband has a somewhat disgusting, but hilarous sense of humor. Like most of the male species, I don't know him all that well.

Kelly-One word to sum up kelly would be Truck. JK but he does love that truck. He owns half of the boat and he enjoys it as much as we do. WIth two kitties, a doggie, and a wifey he can't be too lonely.

Glenn-A musical artist, like his wife he wins an award, for the funnest uncle. With his skills at art and making kids laugh it's no wonder he's a hit, and at the same time he has some very serious musical side in there, usually covered up by playing and sleeping.

Cade-My brother, not much to say. He's a brother. I love him at times, I hate him at times, and most of the time I just want to dump Ice cold water all over him, or make him look like he wet hispants before he meets someone.

Jerod-I've never been buddy buddy with Jerod and I don't know much about him. He's cute though

Ethan-My mom says he's calm I say he's annoying. I do love him but it's the same story as cade. Plus he has a lot of friends that are girls so you can guess what i do to him about that.

Jace-By far my favorite brother at times. Same story as the others, but he is a little bit tempermental so you have to be careful what you do.

Josh- About the same as Jerod, I can't tell him from his twin

Caleb- See Josh. Also has a hard time with Bipolar, but we still love him

Benji-My favorite Male cousin. He doesn't say much just laughs and points and pulls. I have lots of fun with him and I owuld love to sp[end a weekend at theri house (melinda?)

SImon-The baby, he is cute, but I haven't seen him much, don't know him well, and frankly all I can tell is he's happy and smiley, and of course cute as a button.

There you have it, mostly a bunch of "don't know that well"s but it's all true

Emotions

As this seems to be a year in which many in our family, starting with Melinda, and the latest being Jamie, have been sharing personal experiences and trials, I decided to post about every girl in our family (since the boys don't blog much)

So let's start with the beginning, with Grandma. Recently she sent me an e-mail in which I was supposed to describe her in one word and I said Grandma. I'm sure others would have said other things but whenever I think of you, I think grandma. You asked what that meant to me. Well it means someone fun, someone interesting, someone who loves me and my brothers, and someone who knows how to shop. :D Grandma has five kids, biologically, and five more through marriage. Ten kids!  She has lots of grandchildren and probably more to come, as kecia no doubt is just getting started, and Jamie will soon be trailed by her own little group of followers I'm sure. The biggest thing that grandma is for me though, is not something you can describe. She IS grandma.

My Mom, this one is a little closer to me as, well dang SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME!!! so MOM, you might want to save this to your files because your never going to get this again. She is most of the time, the one I turn to when I have a problem, or when I'm sad. she encourages me and I know she loves me. She is the mom every girl wants I think. The one that she can fight with over clothing and totally insult, but it's like a best friend, and she will turn around and talk back and make a joke out of it. And of course, like most moms she is the one that you can totally hate two minutes ago but your friend just texted you mean, and now you can cry on her shoulder.

The next one I'm close to is Kecia. Weird huh? Kecia, is to me, what my mom was to her. I spend some weekends at her house, I love her baby, she takes me places, she's fun. Kecia, to me, is the girl that you want to go on a girl's day with, because she is SUCH a girl!! And not only is she an amazing aunt, but she is a great cook. If you don't know that, you better let her make you a meal! She gets me most delicious recipes and makes them so well, and she can make cake and ice cream look so good you don't want to eat it!! I love Kecia and I love being with her. She also hits a little closer, because of her dance experience.

Melinda, everyone messes up memories and everyone has those really bad experiences. You have two amazing little boys, and a husband in Afganistan. It's not going to be an easy ride. Personally, I know that she is abosultely jumping inside for when Dirk gets home. before they changed the date, we asked her how many weeks and she instantly said three. We said I thought you  weren't counting and she's like I'm not counting days, Just weeks. but of course we all know that in her calendar in her mind, she is marking off every day until he comes home. I don't blame her. Melinda is one of the nicest ladies I know, and her sons are absolutely silly! She lives far away but she blogs enough that we can have a bit of the feel of her cuties. She struggled, like we all do in life, and she won. 

Jamie, trying so hard to conceive a child. I believe that you would make an amazing mother, not only from watching you with the little boys, but also because you yourself have a little bit of a child in you. You and kelly both. I personally think that, though patience is hard, If the rest of us watch for a few years, we will slowly start seeing you carting around a kid on your hip while being dragged by another one's hand to go look what he/she found. And the greatest thing of all, is that the they will be yours. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be. You wil be a great mother, because you are a great aunt.  

Mauri, dealing with a child, who has a problem. I don't know how it is as a mother, but I know as a sister and a cousin, that kids who have problems, are hard to deal with, but you still love them. Bipolar is very difficult, and my mother wondered if I had it also, because the smallest things could set me off. I know that Caleb must be very difficult, but I know for a fact that, from watching you with your kids, you still love him. I know that you must having the hardest time ever, but at the same time, I am proud of him. He's my cousin and I can say that he's one of the smartest little boys I know. You are an amazing person, and you have  wonderful kids. I hope that Caleb can get better and easier, and I hope that you will have an easier time with him

I know in others minds they don't really count but I want to say something about the girls too

Adrie, you are an amazing cousin. I have to say your are also STUNNING as you told me on Tuesday. You are smart, I don't think your mom could manage without you. You are so fun to be around, and you are silly. You are also on of the prettiest girls I know, and no matter how you do your hair you look beautiful. I hope school is going well, and I can't wait to see you next.

And the last girl that isn't me. Emma!! Hey cutie!! Mommy has to read this to you!! I love you and I love seeing you! You are so cute and you are going to be just as pretty as Adrie someday. I love your smile, and if you get thin anytime soon I will have to cry for lack of those cute chubby rolls! I love you as a baby but I also can't wait for you to grow up and to be old enough to play with me and Adrie at parties! We all love you and you are the cutest baby is the world, even if you don't wear clothes all that often!!

I love every girl in this family, and I don't think the family would be complete with only some of us. I love you all!!!

Cut

I got a new book called cut. My mom said it sounded to dark but let me get it anyways. It was about a girl who self-harmed through cutting with her mothers crafting exacto knife. She was sent to a self-help center to try to get better. The book is about how she deals with things in her life, and what she does at 'Sea Pines' Or as her roommate calls it Sick Minds. After reading it for a second time (just for fun) I started to think. Obviously you all know I had a problem with this earlier in the year and a bit of last year. She was silent and drew back into her self. She wouldn't let anyone understand her. I began to think, as she revealed why she had started cutting, why I started. The first time I was on  the phone with a guy I went out with. He made me very sad, and at the time i didn't have nay medication so I was depressed. I took a sharp kitchen knife with a green handle and cut my palm. I continued, now on my left arm, to do this until my mom started to notice. My friends noticed and they started telling the counselors. After thinking over my own experience I remembered something else. A couple of the other people I hung out with cut themselves also. They liked to think of us as 'cutters' but I preferred not to think of it. After a while, when I got really down or felt alone, I would threaten to kill my self to my friends. The days that I did  this, the next day I would always have a new cut. Soon enough they realized these threats were empty and they began to ignore them and think I was nuts. In this time I had started taking depression pills, and soon after I was seeing a counselor named Joy. I saw Joy for about half a year I think, until she left the office and my parents felt I was well enough to take me out. 

My life at school was  so  dramatic and though I had friends, I think most of them were bad influences. If you didn't have a boyfriend, you weren't cool enough. If you didn't cut and tell, you had problems. basically, for that year, my happiness depended on whether I had a boyfriend and the most friends. It was very material, and stupid. All through out this time, my parents were worried about me and trying ot help me, and I had other  friends who would still stand behind me when I was single, and try to help me instead of hurt me when I began to cut again. A highlight in these girls, was Kambrea, still is. When I got dumped which i did alot, she would sit and tell m e I was better than the guy and that I was so young, and he was so immature, what was the point. She listen to my problems and help me as much as possible. Also, my parent were there. They were confused, and probably a bit scared of what I was doing, maybe even a little disgusted, but worried most of all. Many times, I know my mom has lost lots of sleep worrrying over what was going on,

After that year, they decided that Home-school would be the best route to put me in. I would be away from the influences that helped cause this, away from the drama. They often watched me over the weekends and saw I was much happier away from school, away from the drama. At the same time, they would be a little closer to me, if not mentally, then physically, and they could make sure I wasn't going to breakdown and cut again. I still have scars on my arms. My cousin keeps telling me to rub vitamin E oil on it and they will go away, but I don't think I want them to. I think I want them to stay, lightly, but there, so that when I look closely, I can remember, Ican see the stupid thing that I did and never do it again. I can see the light D carved into my skin, and think about how stupid it was, to get so upset over something so pointless. I want them there to remind me, no dark and heavy so that I can't wear short sleeves, but there to remind me of my seventh grade year, and the stupid choices I made. The year I wish I could take back, but at the same time, I'm glad it happened, because though it wasn't easy, and by far it didn't make me grow up and see the world as it really is, Through it I gained a little bit more of a testimony, I gained a little bit maturity, and most of all, I can finally see, that I can't control the world, and i can't live like the world, but I CAN be me, I can control me. I can't control it if someone loses interest and dumps me, but I can control my reaction. I can't control whether or not someone asks me out again before I turn sixteen, but I can control me.

Bad memories, with a good ending in a way. That's what the light marks on my arm will always be to me. I can't take back that year, I can't undo those mistakes, but I can try never to make them again, and I can finally see how bad what I did to myself was, and how hard it was for my family to stand by and watch while I pushed them away, how hard it was for kambrea to grab my arm and suddenly let go when she felt a new cut, how hard it was for her not to yell at me ans scream and cry until I stopped, I finally see that I hurt someone else, not just me. That what I was doing was hurting someone else, in a way I refused to see.

School schedule

I've decided to finish it. After we pick up Cade, he has keyboarding and I do math. then we do the two classes of the day. He then does math and I have some free time.d THen we do P.E. together. Then class is over. Usually I get dressed about midday and I love it. I don't HAVE to get dressed at all usually. After that we just hang out until every one else gets home. At the top is what I am dressed like to day . It's starting to get fun and interesting to be home-schooled and i think I may like it just a tiny bit. Today we had computers and our assingment was to put something on our blogs along with a picture or video. If you don't know you can find Cade's Blog at www.cadewillden.blogspot.com He is just starting and Is really anxious about getting some attention on there so if you can leave him a comment and add him to your list. He will posting alot about ACDC the band he has based it on and Problem Child, the ACDC Song that it is all based on.

In other new, don't you just love my socks!!!

JK here is the scoop on us as of late

I got back on my bike for the first time in like a month yesterday  WHEEE! I practiced some of no handle tricks me and Erika got good at last year including one we call the toe touch because we stick out one leg to look like we are doing a perfect one leg toe touch and some others. 

We are going to Thanksgiving point on Friday with Ben, Simon, and Melinda. We were going with Grandma to but she bailed on us!!

My math is really confusing

I am going to London soon, I hope!! and I get my passport in a few weeks.

And that's all I have time for!!

One Two skip-dee-doo three four passport at the door!

Okay so Tuesday (yesterday) we went and submitted my application for a passport. I had to pay a whole flipping 25 dollars to the post office just so he could verify that my information was correct! A WHOLE FLIPPING TWENTY FIVE! That's at least two babysitting jobs wasted on a guy so he could tell me that they really are my parents! I also got a new job. My neighbor is paying me 20 a month to walk her dog since she has two boys and they are crazy critters! The post man said 4 to 6 weeks till the passport get here and he also said that most customers said 2 - 3 so it will be here probably sooner than that.  I am saving up CASH so I can turn my MONEY in to POUNDS! Isn't that name so cute?? Ten dollars is five pounds and 20 is ten pound. 2 dollars is a pence, and 2 pennies is a penny. I am trying to save up enough money to buy something for myself, a souvenir, and possibly something for everyone who comments that they want something. Specifics only, and if it's expensive NO! I will have math in the mornings with my dad and while he's in meetings school via chat with my mom!! Can't wait!

Too lazy or too busy?

either one I am not planning of finishing the previous post anytime soon! Too lazy I'm guesssing! But that can't be true! I am starting dance again on the 25th and I will have it on thursdays form 4:45 to 7:15! And this just in (especially for Kecia) I will be in Toe Shoes!! i will also be taking tap and jazz, but ballet is the coolest  since I have to have million dollar shoes for it! JK! But we probably will have to go buy pretty much brand new stuff. If anyone wants to keep track of my dance classes (again, still especially for Kecia) you can visit http://www.mrspeeksdance.com  which is a dance blog by my teacher. And pretty soon, though I have no idea when, I am going to open up another blog to put up pictures of dance, costumes and announcements. As soon as I put it up I will announce it. I will have to keep that one up to date no matter what because  My friend, Erika and I talked about it and Someone (hint hint mom!) is probably going to end up taking pictures at least every two months of me and her and document out progress.!

Less Stories, More talking

I have decided to put less stories on here and a start to use it as what it is, A BLOG.  So here it goes. Lately I have been home-schooled. Oh joy! IT's actually a lot funner and better that regular school but at the same time I get bored. Let's go through my schedule for you all. In the Morning I usually get up about 7 or 6:45. We have breakfast with the entire family and then Cade heads off to school. Me and mom have my health class and then  we pick up Cade from sunset. I have Geometry with my dad, but I really don't understand a lot of it. Then we have our classes. We have 8 other classes that we rotate throughout so we have five or six classes a day. When Cade gets home, I'll finish this later got to go

Sick - of school!

I know, I know! I'm home sick and we only have ten days left, but I am still sick of school. It bugs! Mostly it is the people at school, not the actual school, but there is a little bit of that too. I think my math teacher gives to much homework, especially for weekends. Other than that, all of my classes are just goof time. Which sucks, because of the number of Catty girls and rumors that go around. My school happens to be, in my opinion, the most dramatic Junior High any person could possibly live through. And it isn't just the stuff about me that bugs. Some people were calling my friend the "BFG" I asked them what it meant and they replied, "Big Fat Giant. We wanted to say big fat ugly giant but it didn't work out. Neither did big ugly giant or BUG." That made me Mad! Also, almost all the girls in my gym class pick on my friend Joanna. She is bigger and kind of shy. She came to the school about two months ago and these "popular" girls have made her life a living nightmare, the only problem is she can't pinch herself awake! They have started Evey rumor imaginable about her. They have also done horrible things in gym, and lied to the gym teacher, Ms. Nick, so she almost got kicked out of the class. She has spent every lunch period surround by girls picking on her for about 5 minutes, then spends the rest of the period hiding out in Gumbrecht's room with me and her friends. She never takes off her jacket, because when she does the girls call her fat, ugly, and hairy. She has darker skin and black hair, therefore her hair is darker. They tease her and call her horrid names. She ends up crying everyday for at least two or more periods. She doesn't have very many friends. I even get teased for staying friends with her and not being rude to her! I don't care what people say, Joanna is my friend. I have found a few of my friends are in every one of her classes, and though they don't like her, they are my friends and good people, so they stick up for her when I'm not around.

I am tired of my friends being picked on!

It has been fun having grandma watch us for the last few days. She is pretty fun and not to strict. We ran out of airheads and she restocked us and had The Gibson's come over yesterday. It was fun. Mostly she makes sure we do the things were supposed to, like homework and keeping our rooms clean, makes sure she knows where we are, and makes sure we are all fed and to bed on time. She cleaned out dad's office so now we only have to do two things. Move it into his other office (or into storage) and get new carpet! I don't know if you can tell on her blog, but the carpet is creepy! It's scares little children! On Tuesday for Young Women's, my group went to a soup kitchen at 5:45 and I didn't know, so I went with Ashley's group who did a very tiring and invigorating lap around South Weber on bikes and then got ice cream bars at Ray's. We went back around dropping everyone off till it was just me and Ashley. I rode up to Ashley's house then came home and had a shower! After that, I needed one. On Monday night we went to my concert. It was fun, but it was way long. I played pretty well and got my graduating certificate. My teacher is always having car troubles, so she thinks so much of us for putting up with her car. The seniors who are leaving gave her flowers, a poem written by one of them, and a remote control car. They said it was all they could afford! LOL! It was so funny. All in all it has been a fun week so far with grandma here. Hope mom and dad are having fun in Epcot (those stinkers)!