Cut

I got a new book called cut. My mom said it sounded to dark but let me get it anyways. It was about a girl who self-harmed through cutting with her mothers crafting exacto knife. She was sent to a self-help center to try to get better. The book is about how she deals with things in her life, and what she does at 'Sea Pines' Or as her roommate calls it Sick Minds. After reading it for a second time (just for fun) I started to think. Obviously you all know I had a problem with this earlier in the year and a bit of last year. She was silent and drew back into her self. She wouldn't let anyone understand her. I began to think, as she revealed why she had started cutting, why I started. The first time I was on  the phone with a guy I went out with. He made me very sad, and at the time i didn't have nay medication so I was depressed. I took a sharp kitchen knife with a green handle and cut my palm. I continued, now on my left arm, to do this until my mom started to notice. My friends noticed and they started telling the counselors. After thinking over my own experience I remembered something else. A couple of the other people I hung out with cut themselves also. They liked to think of us as 'cutters' but I preferred not to think of it. After a while, when I got really down or felt alone, I would threaten to kill my self to my friends. The days that I did  this, the next day I would always have a new cut. Soon enough they realized these threats were empty and they began to ignore them and think I was nuts. In this time I had started taking depression pills, and soon after I was seeing a counselor named Joy. I saw Joy for about half a year I think, until she left the office and my parents felt I was well enough to take me out. 

My life at school was  so  dramatic and though I had friends, I think most of them were bad influences. If you didn't have a boyfriend, you weren't cool enough. If you didn't cut and tell, you had problems. basically, for that year, my happiness depended on whether I had a boyfriend and the most friends. It was very material, and stupid. All through out this time, my parents were worried about me and trying ot help me, and I had other  friends who would still stand behind me when I was single, and try to help me instead of hurt me when I began to cut again. A highlight in these girls, was Kambrea, still is. When I got dumped which i did alot, she would sit and tell m e I was better than the guy and that I was so young, and he was so immature, what was the point. She listen to my problems and help me as much as possible. Also, my parent were there. They were confused, and probably a bit scared of what I was doing, maybe even a little disgusted, but worried most of all. Many times, I know my mom has lost lots of sleep worrrying over what was going on,

After that year, they decided that Home-school would be the best route to put me in. I would be away from the influences that helped cause this, away from the drama. They often watched me over the weekends and saw I was much happier away from school, away from the drama. At the same time, they would be a little closer to me, if not mentally, then physically, and they could make sure I wasn't going to breakdown and cut again. I still have scars on my arms. My cousin keeps telling me to rub vitamin E oil on it and they will go away, but I don't think I want them to. I think I want them to stay, lightly, but there, so that when I look closely, I can remember, Ican see the stupid thing that I did and never do it again. I can see the light D carved into my skin, and think about how stupid it was, to get so upset over something so pointless. I want them there to remind me, no dark and heavy so that I can't wear short sleeves, but there to remind me of my seventh grade year, and the stupid choices I made. The year I wish I could take back, but at the same time, I'm glad it happened, because though it wasn't easy, and by far it didn't make me grow up and see the world as it really is, Through it I gained a little bit more of a testimony, I gained a little bit maturity, and most of all, I can finally see, that I can't control the world, and i can't live like the world, but I CAN be me, I can control me. I can't control it if someone loses interest and dumps me, but I can control my reaction. I can't control whether or not someone asks me out again before I turn sixteen, but I can control me.

Bad memories, with a good ending in a way. That's what the light marks on my arm will always be to me. I can't take back that year, I can't undo those mistakes, but I can try never to make them again, and I can finally see how bad what I did to myself was, and how hard it was for my family to stand by and watch while I pushed them away, how hard it was for kambrea to grab my arm and suddenly let go when she felt a new cut, how hard it was for her not to yell at me ans scream and cry until I stopped, I finally see that I hurt someone else, not just me. That what I was doing was hurting someone else, in a way I refused to see.

More, well ME!!

just a picture my dad took of me! look how flawless my skin is!! LOL I HAVE NO PORES!! You never would have guessed I had a huge red angry zit in the middle of my fore head! We took them with Lill's family and this one just happened to turn out the best, be my favorite, and still have me goofing off in it. We took them at the Layton park and this is me sitting on to of one of the beautiful trees there.

One Two skip-dee-doo three four passport at the door!

Okay so Tuesday (yesterday) we went and submitted my application for a passport. I had to pay a whole flipping 25 dollars to the post office just so he could verify that my information was correct! A WHOLE FLIPPING TWENTY FIVE! That's at least two babysitting jobs wasted on a guy so he could tell me that they really are my parents! I also got a new job. My neighbor is paying me 20 a month to walk her dog since she has two boys and they are crazy critters! The post man said 4 to 6 weeks till the passport get here and he also said that most customers said 2 - 3 so it will be here probably sooner than that.  I am saving up CASH so I can turn my MONEY in to POUNDS! Isn't that name so cute?? Ten dollars is five pounds and 20 is ten pound. 2 dollars is a pence, and 2 pennies is a penny. I am trying to save up enough money to buy something for myself, a souvenir, and possibly something for everyone who comments that they want something. Specifics only, and if it's expensive NO! I will have math in the mornings with my dad and while he's in meetings school via chat with my mom!! Can't wait!

Happenings, and LONDON!!

not much interesting has been happening so I'm going to skip that and get right to LONDON!! I have saved up enough money for a passport and we are submitting the forms later today, or tomorrow. We should get the passport itself in about three weeks and then soon after that (no exact date yet) my dad has to go to London for Two and a half or three weeks! and I am going with him!! I am planning on  bringing back some present so on the comments mention something you might like. I will have school via chat with my mom except for math, while my dad is in mettings and afterwards we are going out touring! I promise to post often about what happens and when I get the passport!! I might even take this compuyter!! That's all for now

Too lazy or too busy?

either one I am not planning of finishing the previous post anytime soon! Too lazy I'm guesssing! But that can't be true! I am starting dance again on the 25th and I will have it on thursdays form 4:45 to 7:15! And this just in (especially for Kecia) I will be in Toe Shoes!! i will also be taking tap and jazz, but ballet is the coolest  since I have to have million dollar shoes for it! JK! But we probably will have to go buy pretty much brand new stuff. If anyone wants to keep track of my dance classes (again, still especially for Kecia) you can visit http://www.mrspeeksdance.com  which is a dance blog by my teacher. And pretty soon, though I have no idea when, I am going to open up another blog to put up pictures of dance, costumes and announcements. As soon as I put it up I will announce it. I will have to keep that one up to date no matter what because  My friend, Erika and I talked about it and Someone (hint hint mom!) is probably going to end up taking pictures at least every two months of me and her and document out progress.!

Less Stories, More talking

I have decided to put less stories on here and a start to use it as what it is, A BLOG.  So here it goes. Lately I have been home-schooled. Oh joy! IT's actually a lot funner and better that regular school but at the same time I get bored. Let's go through my schedule for you all. In the Morning I usually get up about 7 or 6:45. We have breakfast with the entire family and then Cade heads off to school. Me and mom have my health class and then  we pick up Cade from sunset. I have Geometry with my dad, but I really don't understand a lot of it. Then we have our classes. We have 8 other classes that we rotate throughout so we have five or six classes a day. When Cade gets home, I'll finish this later got to go

Feeling lucky??

Okay so it happens every year to us girls (obviously not to guys because they don't really care what they look like) School starts creeping up on us then it springs. There's a week till school starts, probably a two till I start but still. It's almost time for school, my clothes shopping is done now there's just one things left to do. Find the perfect first day outfit. I know, it sounds like something a teenager would say, oh wait it is!! For guys you throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt the day of. I have spent the last two hours in my mom's bedroom with my clothes trying every shoe, pants, make-up ,shirt, glasses-no-glasses, sock, earring match I can possibly find. My thighs are chafed from taking on and off jeans and my lips hurt from trying on so much lip-gloss. My face has just been scrubbed for the millionth time and I don't know how many times I've accidentally poked myself in the cheek or ear with my earrings. Finally I got the perfect outfit for my hair, earrings, pants, make-up, shirt, glasses, socks and found I have no matching shoes. To top that all off I stood outside for ten minutes ask everyone who passed by what they thought of my outfit for some critique and they all said I looked like a freaky human-bumblebee mix that should be in the psychiatric ward. So much for that outfit, or maybe not. I asked everyone that passed by but they all happened to be old (like the average people who will be reading this!! jk!!) so at least there's some room right? JK!! about all of it!! I did find the perfect outfit but everyone thought it was okay, except for Ethan who has no taste whatsoever anyways. So in honor of my moving and the fact that you all may never see this outfit, I will describe it to you.


Drumroll please ra-ta-ta-ta-ra-ta-ta-ta

And now featuring the never before seen, first day of school outfit!!

black skinny jeans, a box neckline shirt with a cute tie in the back to right below my neck there's a little hole, some huge silver hoops with detachable silver stars, no glasses, brown colored make-up, hide-a-way nude socks, my hair neatly tucked back and straightened, and a pair of american eagle slight heels which are black and white with a little white bow and the bottom of where the foot shows and the heel is more like a lift. I will also be wearing liplicous brown sugar lip-gloss and rainkissed leaves body splash both from bath and body works and in case you didn't know both on major sale right now!!

I'm pretty sure that will be the outfit of the season but stay tuned, it might change.

Sick - of school!

I know, I know! I'm home sick and we only have ten days left, but I am still sick of school. It bugs! Mostly it is the people at school, not the actual school, but there is a little bit of that too. I think my math teacher gives to much homework, especially for weekends. Other than that, all of my classes are just goof time. Which sucks, because of the number of Catty girls and rumors that go around. My school happens to be, in my opinion, the most dramatic Junior High any person could possibly live through. And it isn't just the stuff about me that bugs. Some people were calling my friend the "BFG" I asked them what it meant and they replied, "Big Fat Giant. We wanted to say big fat ugly giant but it didn't work out. Neither did big ugly giant or BUG." That made me Mad! Also, almost all the girls in my gym class pick on my friend Joanna. She is bigger and kind of shy. She came to the school about two months ago and these "popular" girls have made her life a living nightmare, the only problem is she can't pinch herself awake! They have started Evey rumor imaginable about her. They have also done horrible things in gym, and lied to the gym teacher, Ms. Nick, so she almost got kicked out of the class. She has spent every lunch period surround by girls picking on her for about 5 minutes, then spends the rest of the period hiding out in Gumbrecht's room with me and her friends. She never takes off her jacket, because when she does the girls call her fat, ugly, and hairy. She has darker skin and black hair, therefore her hair is darker. They tease her and call her horrid names. She ends up crying everyday for at least two or more periods. She doesn't have very many friends. I even get teased for staying friends with her and not being rude to her! I don't care what people say, Joanna is my friend. I have found a few of my friends are in every one of her classes, and though they don't like her, they are my friends and good people, so they stick up for her when I'm not around.

I am tired of my friends being picked on!

It has been fun having grandma watch us for the last few days. She is pretty fun and not to strict. We ran out of airheads and she restocked us and had The Gibson's come over yesterday. It was fun. Mostly she makes sure we do the things were supposed to, like homework and keeping our rooms clean, makes sure she knows where we are, and makes sure we are all fed and to bed on time. She cleaned out dad's office so now we only have to do two things. Move it into his other office (or into storage) and get new carpet! I don't know if you can tell on her blog, but the carpet is creepy! It's scares little children! On Tuesday for Young Women's, my group went to a soup kitchen at 5:45 and I didn't know, so I went with Ashley's group who did a very tiring and invigorating lap around South Weber on bikes and then got ice cream bars at Ray's. We went back around dropping everyone off till it was just me and Ashley. I rode up to Ashley's house then came home and had a shower! After that, I needed one. On Monday night we went to my concert. It was fun, but it was way long. I played pretty well and got my graduating certificate. My teacher is always having car troubles, so she thinks so much of us for putting up with her car. The seniors who are leaving gave her flowers, a poem written by one of them, and a remote control car. They said it was all they could afford! LOL! It was so funny. All in all it has been a fun week so far with grandma here. Hope mom and dad are having fun in Epcot (those stinkers)!