Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Putting a name on it......Maybe

Since I was little I have struggled with my Makae/Hagatha-ness. I was makae, the sweetie pie, and Hagatha, the bad girl. I was like the little girl with a girl, when I was good, I was very good, and vice versa. My mom came across a New York Times article, http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/health/16brod.html?_r=1, about Borderline Personality Disorder. W read through the symptoms. They include

  • Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
  • A pattern of unstable relationships
  • unstable self-image or sense of self
  • Impulsivity
  • Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
  • instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
  • Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
  • Easily set off or triggered
Hmm, any of those sound familiar????? They sure do to me!! These almost perfectly describe my behavior, not only in my teens, while it has become more intense, but also when I was a younger child. The article goes into more detail about it, but looking at it all, it seems to fit. Were going to contact Cade's old Neurophyscology doctor, Dr. Goldstein and see what he says.

This would explain a ton of problems I have. The bipolar-ness, the sad-ness, the angry-ness, the incapability to make and keep friends for a long time, the impulsivity (such as sneaking out late at night for no reason), and just about everything else. It would also explain why I seem to have ruined alot of friendships, why I get extremely angry and say horrible things and then calm down and am terribly sorry. The best part of discovering this, besides putting a name on it, is that I can finally get treatment for it!

That probably sounds like, ahem, she's crazy, she wants treatment, but as hard as it is to stop, I don't want to have these issues. I want to be a happy person. Finally

Borderline Personality Disorder, Or BPD. There is the name. Let's hope it's the right one.

4 comments:

  1. I love you so much and I just want you to be happy. I hope Dr. Goldstein can help you.

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  2. If that is the right name, that is WONDERFUL. A lot of the symptoms are right on. It would be wonderful if Dr. Goldstein could nail down a diagnosis and a treatment. Luvs!

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  3. I am so anxious to hear what Dr. Goldstein has to say. Like you pointed out, this behavior has gone on your whole life...it just seemed to have gotten worse this last couple of years but it would be so great if they could actually have something to treat. Good Luck and God Bless you. As you know you ARE well loved.

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  4. I love your attitude about finding a name for your problem. Getting the right name/diagnosis is such an important step in treatment and healing. You are motivated, and I know you can conquer these issues with work. I also applaud your honesty and openness.

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