The Next Generation

Ups and Downs, and A party on the way

2011-06-24T10:28:00.002-06:00

Things have been up and down and crazy. Graduated, almost went back in. I cant begin to share how many emotions I ahve felt over the past few weeks. It has been all over the place. So let's start with the simple

HIVES- No allergy, just chronic hives. Yes, this does mean I will have them forever, or maybe just for a really really long time

LIFELINE- still going to therapy, struggling along but doing better

WEIGHT- I'm finally on a weight loss plan for sure. :)

FRIENDS- getting better, still trying and still struggling but it's getting much much better.

PARTY!!!~ IT"S ON!!!! Next Wednesday, all family and friends are invited :) Bring a date, a mutual friend, or just yourself :). I'm super excited to be turning sixteen. No, i can't drive yet, No, I am not staying in utah, but YES I AM EXCITED!!!!

MOVING- It's happening. The house is sold, were out by July 30th. I'm actually really excited to be moving. most people aren't but I am :)

Life is getting better, it's all on an upswing and I'm feeling good :)

Grandma Bea

2011-04-14T06:45:00.004-06:00

First off, let me say, I love this woman to death, and this is a tribute to her. She was wonderful. I have great memories with her, counting pigs, being teased about kissing boys, and lots of others. She was such a sweet kindhearted lady. But I send her no prayers, or tears as I will soon explain. This morning my mom came in and told me the situation with her. I almost cried and then I started thinking. A few things came of it, one being the following poem

Grandma Bea

for her, I'd send my prayers

but she needs them not

as she ascends the pearly stairs

to find the place that god has got

for her, I'd send my tears

but she needs them not

for her now, there are no fears

up to heaven to find her spot

for her, I'll send my love

to her and Grandpa

in their place above

you see, I loved Grandma

but she lived a long life

happy and free

sure there was strife

but in my small self, I want to be

as much like her as I can

I'd even love pigs

and I'd marry a man

Who fishes up there with the bigs

so all the world can see

the imprint this wonderful woman

left on me

and if I can

show you her big heart

you know that I will

I'm sad we have to be apart

but above, she's in a better place still

and for her? I'd write a song

but for someone like her

it's be much to long

so i'll stick to this poem, Of that I'm sure

I will love you forever Grandma Bea!

Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 3

2011-04-08T09:59:00.002-06:00

The clothes have been gone through, the new room set up, the old music discarded, a new hair cut taken care of, some pieces for a new wardrobe discovered, and a birthday dress has begun to be made. The soul has been cleansed, a Therapy Contract signed, and A Graduation date set. The Biology class has been finished, a new type of therapy is being considered, a trip to colorado has been spent, and I feel....The same.

Maybe it's the lack of friends around me to stop the lonely throbs that soar throughout my body daily. Maybe it's the fact that it all feels external and I need that weekend of REAL cleansing and soul searching. I don't know what it is, but through the setbacks that have happened recently, the hurts, and the sadness, I don't feel pessimistic or down or like giving up, I just feel the same. It's like no matter what I do to my outside, it will never be enough to change the inside. Soooooo, Final part of the Operation. Lend me all your self-help books, give me all your candles and incense, find me a corner or a room, and get out of it. Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be a cleansing weekend. Wish me luck!

Operation Spring Cleaning: The hair

2011-03-21T15:20:00.003-06:00

Changing my hair

THe finished product back

Front
The final cut, without dye
Halfway done
The original

Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 2

2011-03-21T10:48:00.002-06:00

So today my aunt is coming to do my hair. Think dark brown and Katie Holmes bob. I'm sorry for all of you that loved my long hair, but it's going away. I cleaned out my music and my clothes, and am looking at what i need to get/replace. My room is a giant mess since everything that needed to be moved out of my mom's bathroom is in there, but it will be clean soon. I am also going to *sigh* give away my black tutu. I have had it for a long time, and it's not going to fit any little girls without some changes, so unless you can sew you don't want it for your little girl. But anyone that does want it, feel free to call me, cuz I'm giving it away. It is a huge sign of my past for me and i don't see anyway around getting rid of it. I am trying really hard to just let go. Also I have some really good teen novels, rather dark, but good ones that I need to rid myself of. One is called CUT, and it used to be my favorite. Also, if anyone has hand-me downs that might fit me, I am looking for a cheap way to replace the clothes that I don't want/can't have anymore. Also, my babysitting offer is still out there, and no one has taken me up on it yet. I can be a regular day babysitter as I don't have regular school.

Homeschool is going pretty well although it is boring. My room is coming along nicely and we should get carpet in it sometime next week :) I am excited because I am going to have a jesus and spirituality wall where i am going to put all my spiritual stuff :)

Also, if anyone has any good self-help books, or spiritual books, borrowing or donating, i don't care which, I would love to read them. I am trying to get on top of my life, and yes there has been setbacks this week, but I'm still trucking on. Today my mom is going to Meet Robyn Knudsen to find out about this new type of therapy they are thinking about starting me on, so lets all hope that I can start it, and it will help.

That's all for today. :)

Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 1

2011-03-18T15:55:00.003-06:00

So I have cleaned out my clothes for the most part, and Alicyn is going to be doing a cut and color on my hair sometime soon, one that is a little more natural looking. My friend Emily is also joining me on Operation Spring Cleaning, so yesterday we went through all of her clothes. I am sewing some changes on some of both of our clothes and am hoping to dive into the book The Bright Red Bow as soon as my mom is done with it. I have come up with some rules for Operation Spring Cleaning

No boyfriends
No giving up
No over eating or depressing lazy days
Absolutely Positively Posilutely NO GOING BACK!!!

And again, I'm working my butt off for some money so Emily and I can go shopping for Operation Spring Cleaning so if anyone needs a babysitter, Please call :)

That's all for today :D

School, Home, and Life In General

2011-03-17T15:59:00.002-06:00

So here's how things are going lately. I just got kicked out of school and am doing homeschool and helping my mom around the house. Things are super stressful with my dad not home and my depression is kicking my butt. I'm really lonely and I get bored A LOT. I don't see friends that often and this week I have but it's been very stretched time if you know what I mean. I'm tired constantly and I don't want to get up to do anything. My room is being finished in two weeks and not even that is bringing me up right now. I feel like crying. My writing has been stopped for a while because I feel so crappy, and honestly I just need some positive attention from my friends, but it's not coming. All anyone seems to want to talk about is their problems, and how I got caught, and why i got kicked out of school. It's fine to talk about that stuff but it's like no one knows what else to say, and I'm guessing they probably don't. Friends that promised to call and text haven't even Face-booked me, and a bunch of people have deleted me. Honestly, I need to vent and I probably need a massage on my back and neck since I sit in front of a computer all the time, but I'm not getting either.

I'm confused. I thought that everyone would still love me if I didn't go to school with them, but lately I'm getting the opposite reaction. I understand that a lot of them are probably upset with how I handled things, but everyone seems to be past that, and just into how i got caught. I don't want to talk about how I got caught!! I want to hang out and talk like a normal human being! My friends in Morgan haven't come to see me once since I got kicked out, My boyfriend dumped me because I got kicked out, and I'm still mad at myself for getting kicked out. This just isn't working out the way it should and it's bothering me. The move is getting slightly closer, though not soon enough. I just want it to be here already so I can leave my Utah life and reputation behind. I don't want to leave my family and my friends, but I don't want to stay like THIS.

A lot of this is ranting and just getting out emotions, but as I sit here bawling and writing this, I know one thing and one thing alone. I'm sick and tired of the way things panned out for me, and it's time to change it. I don't want anymore druggie friends, or clothes, or hairstyles. I want to change my hair, my wardrobe, and my life. What I want is to turn back into the person I know I am deep inside, the problem? I just don't know how to find that person anymore. I've buried her too deep, let her get too hurt, and left her alone for too long. So, I propose a plan, and anyone can join me on it. Spring cleaning this year? It's gonna be self-cleaning to. I'm cleaning out my closet, changing out my hair, fixing my relationships. I'm gonna find the person I want to be, cuz I don't want to be THIS person anymore. No, I may not have the money to do any of this, but I will find it somehow, even if it means babysitting my butt off. SOOOO, anyone need a babysitter? :)

DONE!!!!

2010-08-24T20:57:00.000-06:00

my treatment at lifeline is officially over. I am done. it willhave been ten months on friday, but they were not wasted months. they were some of the most important special months of my life. I have struggled and come far and i am proud of myself. i will ot give up the sobriety i have for anything. a guy said today as i said goodbye to my group that there are some people you just know will be sober and that i was one of them. that made me so happy.

Makae

I'm home

2010-06-18T09:49:00.002-06:00

I'm home and i can be on the computer with my mom watching me. I'm still in treatment but there are 5 phases in my treatment center and I'm on 4. That means, my lovely little friends out there, I CAN CHILL WITH YOU ALL!!! so gimme a call and we'll set something up! Also my birthday is coming up on the 29Th. I is so excited!

Makae

"When hygienists leave on long vacations that's when dentists scream and lose their patients"

Residential

2009-10-22T18:10:00.002-06:00

I am making the next leap. We have chose LifeLIne as our residential of choice and I start on Wednesday. Anyone who wants to see me for the next little while (family can't visit and I won't be home before christmas) should come NOW. I'm in between on whether I want to go or not, but I'm going. Scared to leave so anyone who wants me to have a rememberance gift while I'm in there may donate now ;). but seriously, Im scared and I'm gonna miss you all. I can write letters and recieve them, so get the info from my parents and write me every day my loves.

I will miss you all and I love you all.

"I'm your biggest fan follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi"

--Maddi

The Next Step

2009-10-19T07:00:00.001-06:00

Day Treatment is turning out to not be quite enough. The next step in treatment in Residential, which is where I am headed. More info to come.

A christmas list, a bit early

2009-10-11T11:32:00.000-06:00

I think ahead. Way ahead, to the december month, and what I want.

A straightener like Alicyn Hall's

My Phone back

Ipod Nano Generation 2 or 4 in green or purple. (Ebay is great! and sells for about 60)

Spa Certificate (Beyond Spa)

Money

New Custom Converse (see my mom for details on all custom things) (www.converse.com)

Size 16 pincher gauges.

Pretty short and to the point. Doesn't leave much but money for others, but I want clothes so ya!!!

On a side note, anyone who reads this who needs a babysitter, please call. I need the money!!! and I do love kids =}

60th post!

2009-09-27T15:56:00.002-06:00

Woot Woot! 60 posts!

lol anywayz

School is going great, although with all the stuff I'm dealing with everything is on the bumpy side.

Me and Cade Traded rooms ( which is so much better for me. poor him)

I'm just glad to be home.

Nothing much to say

"In my field of paper flowers, with candy clouds of lullaby"

Maddi

A christmas list, a bit early

2009-09-12T18:27:00.003-06:00

2009-09-12T18:17:00.001-06:00

these are two of five. Still working on the other ones. :)

School, finally, and more!

2009-09-05T07:27:00.002-06:00

ok, grandma, you have been begging for this post, so here we go.

School is great. I go at 7:15 and my mom checks me in. I usually have a nummy breakfast of french toast or eggs, and then we all head down to the Catalyst room. THis is where we do school. We work at our on pace on our own packets with whatever help we need until 10:30.

BREAK TIME!!! WE sing and play guitar and talk during break, and we get yummy snacks. Then Pam comes in and we do health. We recently did ME books for health. Right now we are doing essays on some sort of problem behavior. I think I'll do mine on BPD, just to get a better understanding on it.

After that we go to lunch. WE have really good food, but every tuesday at around 12:30 we go to the hospital and eat there. SOO MUCH BETTER!!!! and that is saying alot, cuz we have GOOOD food. I have an oreo shake every day :).

Then we go back to school. Tuesdays to Thursdays at around 2 we have gym. We play soccer, frisbee, basketball, and even four square. It's way fun. Then we have some kind of group, whether it is Therapuetic Recreation, Proccessing, or Mental Health. I learn somethin every day in these. Processing is what it sounds like. Processing everything and talking about it. Mental Health is the same, and TR is like gym, but with a moral.

We always have one more group and get out at five, except Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesdays that it's and fridays are special.

Fridays we go on field trips. This week we went bowling at fat cats.

Now for the MORE

Miranda wears pony bead bracelets and I love them. So I decided to get some pony beads and make some. I have about twelve now and they are so cute.

I haven't had any time for WoW, so I don't know how much I'll play that, except on non busy weekends. Also on that, Kelly is never on. WHich is GREAT for his wife and babies, but it has killed my leveling system.

I am going to get back into playing the VIOLA! I asked my teacher for some music and we will see what comes of it.

THat's all for now

"Each day is a gift, and not a given right"

--Maddi

School

2009-08-28T19:21:00.001-06:00

It's been great, but right now, I'm not going to talk about the great stuff.

Today, My mom told me that when I start regular school, I can't dress like me anymore. I was upset and while she checked me and a little while after I was crying. I talked to Miranda and felt better, until the car ride. I felt myself getting close to them, and I was thinking about how that might be a bad thing, when they started commenting on my lack of talkativeness. Paul, being well, Paul, had to announce that I hated them all, which made me feel horrible because that's what I was thinking about. Everyone got after him, but it still hurt. Then no one really talked to me. After lunch, Paul started again, but we went to the SLC Library and I got split into a different group with Jax and Beth. Beth and I talked books, and Jax joined in a bit until our scavenger hunt, which I pretty much did, was over and we won. Then Miranda, who usually makes me happy watched Alex walk past me. Maybe I'm a creep but he smells really really good, and it stays in the winde behind him, so I sniffed the air a little. She called me a creep. We went to the van and Beth said she wanted to sit by me in the back and talk books. Miranda would have to move up and she was mad, so she took it out on me

"maddi's never riddin in the front"
"beths moving to tlak to her"
"FINE MADDI WON"T SIT THERE"
"who is going to"
"Not me"
I said "I"ll do it"
sarcastically "Yay. Good for you. loser"

end with me cryin the whole way and home and no one noticing.

So right now, I just really want a mani/pedi and some nails. I want to relax and ignore them, and not do my homework. But I really want to get my nails done this weekend, and relax. And I have to work all day tomorrow. Joy.

See you when it's over.

--Maddi

Started

2009-08-27T07:11:00.004-06:00

School started, been crazy. More to come

The pictures. They are mostly like over you with my last really bad relationship (Kieran or David) and They are true. I was angry when I made them. Still can't post them. More later

New Expression

2009-08-19T08:18:00.004-06:00

I have found a new kind of fun way to express myself.

I am always looking for avatars that say certain things to go with my current emotion. One of the ways I have recently found to express this is to make my own avatars using GIMP Image Editor

I will post them when my computer will let me

DAY TREATMENT!!!!!!!

2009-08-18T09:56:00.000-06:00

They left it up to us and we chose Day Treatment. They'll call us with more information later today

I start probably tomorrow!!!!

YAY!!!

3 am and scared sleepless

2009-08-18T03:32:00.003-06:00

And that's exactly what I am. I am so afraid of what the outcome of this call might be that I am unable to sleep. Reading I can't concentrate on and nothing seems to entertain.

In four hours we find out. Scared? Me to.

"There is no fear but death itself"

Well sorry Plato or whoever wrote this, but You are wrong!

signing off

--Maddi

Tomorrow

2009-08-17T22:08:00.002-06:00

It seems all my posts are about the next day or my BPD, so here's another one with both.

Tomorrow, we find out for sure, whether or not I will go to residential, or I will go to Summit Day Treatment.

Everyone cross your fingers and pray that I can stay with my family and attend Day Treatment.

"Thy Will be Done"

Signing off

--Maddi

The Day That I Die

2009-08-09T10:58:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow we find out if they are going to send me to Day Treatment, or to Residential Treatment for the next 2+ years. I'm def scared. I know I won't be going to school for a while, and my mom says there is a possibility that I may have to graduate a year later than my peers, which is ok I guess. At least then I will be 18 when I graduate instead of 17. With Day Treatment if I complete my treatment fast enough, I may be able to make up any credits that I miss to graduate at the same time as my peers.

Honestly, graduation and school seem so inconsequential compared to facing 2+ years in a mental hospital away from my family. Cade would be 18 by the time I get out, if that doesn't tell you something, it ought to.

As for graduating with people my age, or people I know my age, I could care less. For the most part, I find that the people my age can't handle my problems and so I can't make very good lasting relationships.

The biggest thing that scares me is not going to Res, although that would suck. It's that this is going to get worse. It's that I won't be ok, until I'm 20 or 30. If the doctors diagnosis is correct and this is "emerging" BPD, then I am going to get much much worse. With 2 attempts on my record, and BPD having the highest suicide rate, plus the fact it's not going to get better for 6+ years, that's a scary thought, even when you don't want to think about.

Another huge downside to Res, besides that they are so expensive, is that Kelly and Jamie just had twins (yay them!!) and If I go, I won't be able to meet them until they are 2+, after I get out.

My parents want Day Treatment, as do I, but Dr. Goldstein thinks that Residential Treatment would be better for me.

It has the highest rate of helpfulness for people with BPD, and even then it's not very high. In fact, most all forms of treatment don't work very well.

Of Course, if you haven't already heard all of this, you haven't read my mom's blog.

But obviously, I do not want to spend 2+ years away from home. In that time, my family may move, which means I would never see this house again, or my room.

For those who don't know, I took 14 pills, or 700 mg, of a anti-depressant, that works as my sleep aid. In other words, I took 700 mg of sleeping pills.

So tomorrow is the day that I die (go to res) or live (day treatment).

I say that, because not seeing my family or being home for so long is like a little death for me, a little death inside me.

Signed

Maddi

I don't know where I went wrong.

2009-07-16T12:32:00.002-06:00

I got back in touch with a friend I thought I'd lost and everything seemed fine and we just talked yesterday. Nothing unusual. Today he decides he doesn't want anything to do with me again.

Why is it that even when I don't do anything, I still can't manage to hold on to friends?

He says I'm trying to lead him down a path. The only thing I can think of, is that I was trying to be able to hang out with him and a girl, but that is because I really want to meet this girl, I never have in real life, and I'm not comfortable doing it without someone who knows both of us. I was talking to him just normal. I can't see what I did, but once again, I managed to lose someone.

It makes you wonder sometimes, If I'm just not meant to have friends. If I'm supposed to be alone. Cuz that's the way everything seems to be going lately. Yes, I mess up alot, but I really didn't do anything this time.

Which leads me to ask, is it that I'm a bad person, or is that people just generally don't want to be around me?

--Maddi

"People say friends are like flowers, and you pick as many as you can. They are truly all like flowers, since all my friendships seem to wilt, die and fade."

Anony the Mouse

2009-06-24T16:13:00.001-06:00

Anony the Mouse and your secret pal have both been repeatedly posting as my friends in my flowers vase. While it is cute to hear that I have these secret friends out there, I will not deny my ambition to find out who they are. If anyone has any clues, hints, guesses, or knows who they are, I'd like to know!! you all know me, I hate secrets, when I'm not the one keeping them!!

Putting a name on it......Maybe

2009-06-17T17:10:00.002-06:00

Since I was little I have struggled with my Makae/Hagatha-ness. I was makae, the sweetie pie, and Hagatha, the bad girl. I was like the little girl with a girl, when I was good, I was very good, and vice versa. My mom came across a New York Times article, http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/16/health/16brod.html?_r=1, about Borderline Personality Disorder. W read through the symptoms. They include

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
A pattern of unstable relationships
unstable self-image or sense of self
Impulsivity
Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms
Easily set off or triggered

Hmm, any of those sound familiar????? They sure do to me!! These almost perfectly describe my behavior, not only in my teens, while it has become more intense, but also when I was a younger child. The article goes into more detail about it, but looking at it all, it seems to fit. Were going to contact Cade's old Neurophyscology doctor, Dr. Goldstein and see what he says.

This would explain a ton of problems I have. The bipolar-ness, the sad-ness, the angry-ness, the incapability to make and keep friends for a long time, the impulsivity (such as sneaking out late at night for no reason), and just about everything else. It would also explain why I seem to have ruined alot of friendships, why I get extremely angry and say horrible things and then calm down and am terribly sorry. The best part of discovering this, besides putting a name on it, is that I can finally get treatment for it!

That probably sounds like, ahem, she's crazy, she wants treatment, but as hard as it is to stop, I don't want to have these issues. I want to be a happy person. Finally

Borderline Personality Disorder, Or BPD. There is the name. Let's hope it's the right one.

Busy

2009-06-15T13:34:00.002-06:00

I have been uber busy lately. I went to lagoon on the ninth grade lagoon day, which was a blast with some of my older friends (though they have horribly dirty minds!). I ended up stealing tanner's lunch and getting tons of dippin' dots, as well as soaked! I also went to school on the last day.

DRAMATIC!!! FIrst, it was great, and I had lots of fun. Then my friend left me, and me and his gf got way upset about that, but to top it off, a girl stole my yearsbook. I was so mad!

Monday I left for girls camp. To road a subject to write much on, but we had a blast.

Thursday through saturday I had dance. Exhausting, but so much fun. I do love dance and I'm so glad I went back. Friday grandma and I went shopping for my birthday. I got tons!

Sunday I had some family over, and today is Jace's birthday! toodles!

Upcoming

2009-05-14T11:56:00.002-06:00

So i have a birthday coming up and I thought I'd post my wish list for every one to buy for me ;).
- New Bike
*- I-tunes money
*- Shopping trip with me^!
*- Money^!
- New spike belt (rainbow from Hot Topic)
- Nail Polish (Lime green, black, neon blue)
- Eye-liner (Green, red, pink, blue, all neon)
*-Skinny Jeans or Candy coloured jeans i.e. neon colours, dark red with sparkles
- Getting my hair done
*- Chuck Taylor Converse High tops or Knee Highs (black, pink, red, or lime green)
- Neon coloured Tank tops
- Small music, band, or rock buttons (Lots of examples at Hot Topic)
- Rock wrist bands or gloves (black or neon colours, rainbow is good to)
*- Claire's gift Card^!
*- Gift cards (Hot Topic, Wal-mart, Shopko, Target, Kohls)^ !
-Fun socks (rainbow, fun designs, neon, toe)

*= I REALLY want it
^!= So I can buy myself some clothes and stuff, since I have weird taste.

So, that's my list this year. Can't wait for my Birthday!

Unforgettable Moments: Just Me

2009-05-11T11:14:00.005-06:00

My favorite picture of my. Don't know why. It shows my crazy, floating on air personality. I think I was thinking about a boy ;)

Dying Easter Eggs. I made some pretty eggs. And they were good to eat afterwards!

Me reading. I was thinking about the book, and I tend to chew on my nails (GROSS) so my dad caught me on camera.

Eating zombie fingers at grandma's Halloween party. Yummy! And making funny face. Look in the corner and you can see Benji looking at me like huh?

Little dead riding hood. LOVED IT!! One of the best Halloweens ever!
Courtney came with me and I went with Kelsey, Emily, and Lauren. We had a crazy good time. Cory Tagged along, and he wasn't to bad, though he has no imagination.

By the river more pics of me. Ain't I gorgeous. And look at that cheesy smile! This is at the Layton park and it's beautiful there.

Smiling cutie. All there is to it. I'm on the bridge. This was actually pretty fun. We fed the ducks and geese and other birds. Courtney and her family came later and they did pictures to. Oh and there was a hot boy there. We kept yelling sexy at us, until he flashed his chest at us.

This is a rock. I thought it looked like a tree :) OOOOH and guess what else!! NO BRACES!!

Just being the goofy girl I am. I've dyed my hair AGAIN, so it's not that color anymore.

The phone that went in the lake. It was an awesome phone. And my old hair color still. BUT not the one in the picture above. I'm listening to music and texting.

Reading a letter on my 13th birthday. Don't you love the messy hair? the bracelet has the YW colors on it. Cute isn't it?

Water skiing at stone. Too bad were not going this year. I Love this place!!! Can't wait to get slalom down!

My old hair color! 13th birthday. I used the money for an Ipod. Oh and my mom is in the corner with her legs all folded nice and perfect. That woman spent forever decorating this room!

These are just unforgettable moments in pictures of my life. I love these pictures and I love how I look in......most of them! My newest hair color will be up soon!

Got my phone back, and called...

2009-05-11T10:29:00.002-06:00

BOB!!!

It was so fun to talk to him after no contact for three weeks. He has also been grounded from his phone until Saturday, so even if I wanted to break the rules I couldn't have. Actually, even if I did, which I didn't, but I did want to. Things are a bit better now I can talk to him and I'm way happy. Dance is coming up and fast and I barely know it, so I'm trying. I got a tv for my room, and redecorated it, and make pajamas! I will post pictures soon. Summer's coming up and I am running aorund in tank tops galore! Only at home tho :).

Happier than I've been in a while

Maddi!

2009-05-08T09:40:00.002-06:00

I tag anyone who reads this!!
All you do is answer these questions
with one word answers!!
Have fun!!

1. Where is your cell phone? lost

2. Your significant other? unknown

3. Your hair? down

4. Your mother? annoying

5. Your father? grumpy

6. Your favorite thing? friends

7. Your dream last night? Bob

8. Your favorite drink? Milk

9. Your dream/goal? Writer

10. The room you're in? bedroom

11. Your fear? alone

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?college

13. Where were you last night? dance

14. What you're not? fast

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. One of your wish list items? ripstick

17. Where you grew up? Here

18. What are you wearing? jammies

19. Your pet? dead

20. Your computer? annoying

21. Your life? lonely

22. Your mood? sad

23. Missing someone? Bob

24. Your car? unknown

25. Favorite thing to wear? jammies

26. Favorite Store? Hot-Topic

27. Your summer? amazing

28. Your favorite color? Green

29. When is the last time you laughed? today

30. Where do you go over and over? nowhere

31. Where would you like to go right now? Sunset

32. Who will re-post this? Grandma

Living lonely

2009-05-05T09:16:00.002-06:00

I'm living, I'm back in life, but I'm lonely. I have reached out to a couple of my friends, and they have had some excuse. One didn't even have the decency to call to tell me she wasn't coming and sent it through my brother. Everyone is busy, everyone has a life, everyone sees friends and hangs out and enjoys themselves. The closest thing I have had is an almost hang out with a friend. I have only seen my friends the two times I went back to school since I got back from UNI, I haven't hung out with anyone besides older people and courtney, and I'm getting sick of it. I don't see anyone I don't talk to anyone, I don't have any friends my age really, except for a couple of people I can send letters to as my ONLY source of communication. LETTERS! That's all. And my wonderful cousin Courtney, but she also has her own life, she's busy she's got friends, and she lives a good twenty minutes away.

I've tried. I've called people. I've e-mailed, I've left messages, I've sent messages through my brother, and still I haven't really seen anyone. It used to be I was on the phone with someone every night and I hung out with someone at LEAST twice a week, and I didn't want to go to dance so that I could hang out with my friends. Now I don't hang out, I've have called my friends a total of like six times, and I love dance because there is ONE girl there who I am KIND OF friends with. That's it. I write in my journal, I think about my UNI friends alot, I IMAGINE seeing my other friends, but I never do. It's like I am the one person left in my circle of friends, and I'm trying to build a new one from HOMESCHOOL with people I can't even TALK to.

I'm trying to get a party going, but I don't know who will come if anyone will and the people I know will come, I'm not sure if I'm even ALLOWED to invite them. So yeah, I'm alive, I'm getting back into life, Things are going better, but it still sucks.

Maddi

Question Posting

2009-05-01T13:49:00.002-06:00

This is something my friend does. It's a question posting and I want your answers in the comments.

QUESTION: Why is it that when you miss someone with your head, your heart feels empty?

Missing

2009-04-10T19:55:00.007-06:00

It's logical that my parents don't think I should have my UNI friends, but I still miss them like crazy. One of my Bff's dished the gossip about my location to about 30 people who then sent it around the school and then some. I got angry and so did she, so currently my only friends are 1) a boy I've only met through text, 2) a bunch of really amazing people I can't talk to, and 3) my family. The boy isn't much of a talker and I can't text him (Phone shut off x_x), I obviously can't to talk to my amazing friends, and my Family, uh yeah right. They are so going to be the people I want to go to the mall with. NOT.
The problem isn't loneliness though. I can live with it, but I just really miss my main friends there. Conner, Jess, Meg, Bob, and me were inseparable, and at least two of us were always together. We supported each other, we helped each other get out, we helped stop each others tears. We had two main songs we liked to listen to at UNI. One was called "Petals" and it is just a short thing that Meg and I came up with and they had me sing all the time, and the second was a catchy but rather inappropriate rap song. Everyone wanted to read whatever I was currently writing, we were always doing puzzles and playing favorites. This is something we came up with were the first person asks what a single person's favorite something is, and the first person to get it right got to pick someone. We tossed balls back and forth, we played a lot of mini football, we listened to music as much as possible, we talked about our lives outside of Uni, we played card games, and most of all, we knew the most sensitive info about each other and helped each other with it.
Meg was my roommate and one of the most amazing people ever to live. She was fun and silly and really easy to talk to. She helped me write some and she was the one that broke the rules, one time when I was sobbing uncontrollably, and hugged me until the tears stopped. She was really good at cards and loved music.
Conner was a great friend who really supported me and tried to get me to believe in myself. He loved to do odd dances like "Water" and "glow-stick" but it was really cool. He was more into dancing than anything else and he was really funny.
Jess was the person I supported the most. she was really fun and had a lot of good ideas. She could talk for forever and she had really cute style. She was amazing.
Bob. My BEST friend at UNI. I told him everything and he helped me. Everyone has someone standing behind them every step of the way to getting out, whether staff, patient, or doctor. Mine was a patient who really helped me. He was funny about his hair. He had to have it wet and he shook it like a dog. It made us all laugh. He was good at cards, and he was the only person who ever got it right on me when playing favorites. He helped me with puzzles and would be the one telling me to stop lying when I seemed ok but I really wasn't. He made me get out there and help myself. He said a lot of things that I have taken to heart. He is great
Most of all, the people there became like family to me and now when I can't talk to them it feels like a part of my life, a part of my happiness has been ripped away from me and I can't stand it. I missed them so much that I hummed and sang Petals 45 times today and wrote poems about them each. I hope I get to see them eventually because I really love them and They are amazing people. They are the people I wanted to call when me and Kam fought. I just really miss them and really want to see them. I wonder if maybe I shouldn't have let myself get so close to them. Maybe I should have stayed aloof where this not seeing them and not knowing them wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe, I should have never even tried to get to know them, and I shouldn't have let them closer into my life, past the shield I put everyone else outside of. Maybe making friends isn't a good idea for me. I always lose them somehow. Maybe I should never let anyone get close enough to hurt me when I lose them.

Suicide and UNI

2009-04-03T09:42:00.003-06:00

Ok, so most of you, being my family, now I tried to commit suicide on Tuesday the 24th. I took over 300 mg of anti-depressants. I chickened out and told my mom, who took me to the hospital. I was then admitted into a Neurophyscology center called UNI. I was there from 1 am Wednesday the 25th until 10 am Thursday the 2. I have to say this was very different from home. We woke up at 7:30 and had our blood pressure and temperature taken, and turned in some paperwork about how we had been feeling in the last day or so. Then we went to breakfast and were in group therapy most of the day. Family (My parents decided who) could visit during lunch and dinner and on Wednesdays there is a family group therapy. We went to bed at ten, unless you were a level 4, then you could stay in the day room until 10:30. Lights out when level 4s came to bed, and then it would all start all over again.

While there I was assigned a Staff, or someone to help me, everyday. I was also assigned a team, which was Dyana, my social worker, Dr. Reinflesh, my doctor, and Doctor Kahn, My therapist. These were the people who would decide when I got to go home. I was assigned a roommate, who I became really close with, and group and a schedule. It seemed very hectic and frightening, but actually, It was really calm and very helpful.

I came home yesterday, and still don't know if I'm going back to regular school, and I really actually miss UNI. My friends there, the staff, the day room, the doctors, everything. It's so weird to be home and not be with the people I have been so close to for a week. My Bffs there were Megan, Jess, Jessica, Randy, Kieran, Marcus, Conner, Teylor, Reed, and Roobb. The last two are staff, more specifically mine, but most of the others are patients. I will be able to keep in touch with them, but the one I miss the most, Is Bob. Kieran always went by Bob, and he was my very closest friend there. He was the one that would make me feel better after a DISASTEROUS visit, and he was the one that made me open up to the group and really work on my treatment there. He is also the one that made me get up and sing in front of the entire group several times. He was a great friend and I might be able to find him through Megan and Jess, but I really miss him.

Coming home, I didn't wake up until 7:30, and I was very confused on where I was. I am so used to Meg sleeping on the other side of the room and Jimmy Neutron (Roobb) walking through the hall saying "Good morning ladies and gentlemen, it's time to get up and have your vitals checked." that when I woke up in my own yellow room with my dad at the door saying "Time to wake up" That I nearly bolted and I was freaked out. Then I remembered that I was home and that UNI was in Salt Lake. I woke up and went through the same schedule, without the vitals and paperwork. It felt very odd.

At UNI, I think I really figured out alot of things that were not being very helpful to me, and that part of the reason my life has been so hard for me is myself. I have made it harder and I realized how I could change that. Most of my thinking and figuring things out didn't happen until I was placed on IDP. This is Inside Development Plan and it's basically where you have to write essays all day and can't leave your room or talk to anyone but staff and your treatment team. It was really hard, but It was really helpful.

I don't know if my parents have noticed, but since I have been back, I am alot less talkative. I think this mostly comes from something Bob said to me. "Your words need to mean something, otherwise it's just another thing your saying that nobody really listens to, especially when you dodge around your own point. People get sick of it." He said this to me while I was refusing to talk in CORE group and talking constantly during free time. I thought about it and it's true. If you just talk to talk, there is no point to your words, but If your words have meanings behind them, there is a point and more people will listen. After that I opened up in group, and I talked less in freetime, but I still talked and still had fun. I learned some card games as well as some other ways to relieve stress and calm down for a while. We had groups, like CORE, where you worked and tried to figure important issues in your life out. We also had groups where it was just everyone bringing up issues at UNI, Like A.M. Community. We had groups where it was relaxing and relieving stress, Like Music Therapy. We had groups where we learned things, Like Pysch Tech. We had alot of groups and all of them taught us something.

Most importantly was CORE group. That is, as my friend Kacee said, where we get to the Core of things and really solve our problems. I know that in this group I learned alot about myself, how to deal with things, and possible problems that could come up and how to deal with them. This was a really important group and it was the most helpful for me.

We also had a levels system. When you first arrived you are 1-a, and then everyday if you have less than three zeros, for innappropriate behavior, talking out of tunr, etc., then you would move up. At level four you have 4 x1 4x2 and then you are the highest you can be, VIP. Very Important Patient, and you have the maximum freedom available at UNI, which isn't much, but it doesn't have to be much because while there it seems like a lot.

UNI helped me and I made real friends there who I know will stick by me, but I don't want to go back. I think I've done what I need to do, and now I'm going to do what I need to do, and going back to UNI is not on that list.

LOVE

Maddi

Moving: Am I Ready??

2009-03-23T16:06:00.002-06:00

No. That is the straight forward, simple answer. I am not ready to move. I don't want to. Maybe I Should think about moving, leaving, packing up, and not seeing everyone Either A) as often or B) ever again. JUST thinking about leaving my SCHOOL makes me sad, so what happens when I leave my HOME and my FAMILY and EVERYTHING ELSE. I've been outside a lot lately, even with the cold and the warm, just walking around South Weber listening to my Ipod. I have grown up on this street, running on it, learning to ride a bike, learning to ride a rip-stick, a scooter, most all of my birthday parties were here. I have grown up walking around this house. Sure, it's different.....Actually, it's really different, but it's still the house I came to after leaving the hospital, and the one I have come home to almost every day after school, the one where I sleep Sunday through Friday and Most weekends to, the one where I do homework, the one where I LIVE. Easter, Christmas, Halloween, Even SAINT PATRICK'S day have all been here, every year for the last 13 almost 14 years. I can't imagine them anyplace else, any other way. And the worst part is, I don't want to imagine them that way. I want to keep them this way. I don't want to leave Sheree, and Kam, and My friends, and move far away from my family, and From Ashley, from the park I have had millions of Saturday picnics in, away from the place that I have always been. The places that are important to me. Heck, even my first KISS was in South Weber!!!! My First CRUSH lives a block away! My first best friend still goes to church with me. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE i love is here, or close enough that I consider them here. I'm not ready to leave all that behind. I'm not ready to find a new best friend, and relearn my Address and my Phone number and I'm not ready to start a new school without these people that I know and I'm especially not ready to LEAVE. It's just so final. To Leave. To be gone. To move on. It's like leaving everything I have to start a new life, one that could go any which way. I could be popular, I could be the loser no one talks to, I could be the Class NERD for Pete's sake. And I like my little niche Here. The one that I have carved Here. At sunset, in South Weber, with my family nearby, my friends, my LIFE. Walking through the same malls, seeing movies at the same places, eating at all the same restaurants. It's not just something I WANT to let go of, something I WANT to leave. It's a fact, were moving, were leaving, and I HATE that fact. I can't stand it. I don't want to leave.

busy

2008-12-29T10:48:00.003-07:00

ok since kecia is complaining i will post. it's not that I have a boring life, it just my facebook addiction. Well I am back into regular school and loving it, altho there has been sum drama (namely devyn telling me she hates me and noody wanted me 2 come back) I'm doing well i think. I am having a hard time typing since I got my black sparkly nails. K, well Starting with halloween, I was little dead riding hood and courtney came with me to t-r-t and we had great fun. Thanksgiving was busy with cleaning and family. My uncles came home a few weeks ago and are leavig again 2day and we won't c them until summer.
For christmas i got an ipod boonbox, 6 colored ipod socks, a razor phone case, lots of sparkly decals for stuff, tinkerbell stationary set, 2 pretty dresses, five shirts, a snoopy jacket, a calendar, a pair of brown cutesy shoes, 50 dollars in itunes money, 8 cds which are rhianna, spill canvas, simple plan, david archuleta, taylor swift, 2 plain white T's, and three days grace. I also got the sisterhood of the traveling pants, a cute locking little box, a pair of skinny jeans, a pair of nice earphones, lots of candy, a pair of cute pajamas, matching slippers, 30$ to aeropostale, a movie gift card, a canyons day pass, another certificate to get my nails done, a wall charger for my ipod, and probably more but I can't remember it all. pretty much, I was spoild rotten!!! pictures to come

Alice

2008-11-12T09:11:00.002-07:00

I am ALice. Can't say I didn't see that one coming

I HAVE A NAME!!!

2008-10-29T09:50:00.003-06:00

Warning: anyone who puts a snotty comment about me already having had a name will end up with their head in a toilet or their house trashed :)

My youngest cousin on the Crittenden side has never called me anything but "you" and "hey". Well needless to say I got tired of that but I got used to it. My aunt called me and asked me to babysit for a weekend two weeks ago and by the end of the weekend she had finally gotten used to the idea of kissing me. Then I went to have a sleepover with Alicyn's other babysitter, since we became good friends, and Kaleigh Bear was as excited as could be to see me. SO when I got there she Ignored "hashy" (ashley) and gave me a big hug and kiss. I picked her up and played with her for a while and she told me she loved me! I thought that was so cute and I was so happy I thought It can't get any better today, when she said Mickey!! Milk Mickey!!! now of course she was ordering me to get something for her, but she said my name!!!!!!!!! WE had a family party and she saw a picture of me from about a three weeks ago and pointed at it and said "Mickey" She then proceeded to walk me around the house and point out anything that looked vaguely like me and call it mickey. Her mom called me this morning to ask If I could watch her for a little while and Kaleigh started playing with her pants so she hung up and called me back. She had told Kaleigh she was going to Mickeys house and Kaleigh had gotten so excited and she could seem to wait to see mee!!!!!!! Our house is usually known as Jace's to the boys but now it's Mickey's house!! I can't wait to see the little cutie!! she'll be here in a few so I'm getting off to hide all my valuable stuff!! TTYL

Garbage

2008-10-22T08:14:00.004-06:00

Ok so all of the sudden yesterday, my new ipod wouldn't turn on, it wouldn't charge, the computer acted like nothing was even plugged in. We waited all yesterday to see if maybe it was just being tempermental, and tried to turn it on this morning. If still wouldn't turn on but luckily my mom had bought a two year warranty. We went to the website and they asked a bunch of questions like has it been dropped, has it been in water, has it been stepped or sat on. None of them had happened so we figured good, they will fix the problem because it is obviously internal. Wrong. They told us that we had bought a two year warranty two month previous and we were like so what's the problem? Well apparently the warranty doesn't work until THREE MONTHS AFTER YOU BUY IT!! When my mom bought the warranty they said ti would be put in to effect IMMEDIATLY. We told them this and they said ti was still up to the retailer to warranty it. Well howdy-do the seller/retailer is on ebay and he is obviously not going to do anything about it. The warranty from apple has been dead for about two years now since, though it hasn't been used hardly at all, it is a three year old ipod. Anyways me and my mom checked out the main website and it cost a lot to fix it but we found out that it was alot easier to fix than we thought but still.

Tagged

2008-10-21T08:07:00.005-06:00

I didn't have just the fourth from the fourth so this is the fourth from the fourth from the fourth. This is Jace at The Beaver Cementary, On 2oo4, May 31st. Isn't he so cute? look how much he has changed!!

I tag Mom Grandma Kecia and anyone else who wants to play

Tagged

2008-10-21T07:47:00.003-06:00

Where is your cell phone right now? In my pocket

Your significant other? IDK haven't met him yet

Your Hair? Dark brown and cute

Your Mother? Upstairs being a butt and telling me stuff to make me be correct

Your Father? In Washington D.C. Happy about that cuz no maht this week

Your favorite place? Does my room count?

Your dream last night? I was running from a very difficult proof that I can't seem to solve

Favorite Drink? Milk!!

Your dream/goal? To not move

The Room your in? Dining

Your Fear? My Young Women's group and being hated

Where do you want to be in six years? Let's see I will 19 so hopefully in college

Where were you last night? At a skating party with my friend Emily

Why your not motivated? HEY! WHO SAID I WASN"T MOTIVATED!!!! I JUST DON"T LIKE CLEANING THE DANG THING!! (the dang thing being my room)

Muffins? Can I have a blueberry the size of your face?

One of your wishlist items? NO MOVING

Where did you grow up? SOutH WebER ut

The last thing you did? Put another tagged post up

What are you wearing? Blue Jeans, Pink Aeropostale Polo, beat up Converse tennys, black over shirt, cute headband

Your TV? The boys are watching Happily N'ever After

Your Pets? A fish with no name, and the rest have been dead for a while

Your Computer? My moms broke, she got a new one, I use the broken one!

Your Life? Could be better if some certain boys would leave me alone, but for the most part I like it

Your mood? Content

Missing Someone? Ashley Lopez, Kambrea, Dirk, and Dad....

Your Car? I don't have one, which my parents can sing the hallelujah chorus about, others wise it would be wrecked along with them and me

Something your not wearing? GLoves and a hat

Favorite store? Aeropostale

Your Summer? BOOORING!!! jk it was way fun

Your Favorite color? Black

When is the last time you laughed? Last night with Em :)

Last time you cried? Last night when I was getting mean texts from a guy that I thought was my friend

Four places I would rather be right now: On a cruise, In London, On a Girls Day, or with Ashley

Four of my favorite foods: Quesdillas, apples, Marshmallow Mateys, Feddicini alfredo

Four people I think will post this: Mom, Abbey, Melinda, Jamie

IF YOU READ THIS I TAG YOU!!!

Tagged

2008-10-21T07:39:00.003-06:00

I have been booed...meaning some sort of spooky halloween tag

What was your favorite halloween costume as a kid? I was jasmine from Aladdin one year

What is your favorite Halloween candy? Peanut Butter Cups!

Any Halloween traditions? Eating candy, going to granny's, going to great grandpa's

Have you ever played a trick instead of giving a treat? WEll......

I boo (at least three people) Mom, Grandma, Kecia, Alicyn, Melinda, and anyone else who wants to do it

Emotions (the Male Side)

2008-10-19T15:20:00.005-06:00

After Dirk commented on it I thought a post on the boys would be interesting so here they are. they are short since there are so many of you

Grandpa-A really fun neat guy. He speaks German and he travels a lot. Married to Grandma, He is really childish in his love for firecrackers.

Dad-Also very childish and traveling alot for the same reasons, this is the man who helped create me. I can't say I like him all that often as he is my math teacher, but he is a fun dad, and he is a dork. He always tickles the heck out of me and wants to go do stuff outdoors.

Dirk-The Army Man, with two brats and a wife living in Utah, while he's over in afgahnistan. Not the best place to be, but who says he had a choice? He is very smart, and at a time I knew him better, since I lived with him, but I'm sorry to say this isn't that time.

Ira-Mauri's husband has a somewhat disgusting, but hilarous sense of humor. Like most of the male species, I don't know him all that well.

Kelly-One word to sum up kelly would be Truck. JK but he does love that truck. He owns half of the boat and he enjoys it as much as we do. WIth two kitties, a doggie, and a wifey he can't be too lonely.

Glenn-A musical artist, like his wife he wins an award, for the funnest uncle. With his skills at art and making kids laugh it's no wonder he's a hit, and at the same time he has some very serious musical side in there, usually covered up by playing and sleeping.

Cade-My brother, not much to say. He's a brother. I love him at times, I hate him at times, and most of the time I just want to dump Ice cold water all over him, or make him look like he wet hispants before he meets someone.

Jerod-I've never been buddy buddy with Jerod and I don't know much about him. He's cute though

Ethan-My mom says he's calm I say he's annoying. I do love him but it's the same story as cade. Plus he has a lot of friends that are girls so you can guess what i do to him about that.

Jace-By far my favorite brother at times. Same story as the others, but he is a little bit tempermental so you have to be careful what you do.

Josh- About the same as Jerod, I can't tell him from his twin

Caleb- See Josh. Also has a hard time with Bipolar, but we still love him

Benji-My favorite Male cousin. He doesn't say much just laughs and points and pulls. I have lots of fun with him and I owuld love to sp[end a weekend at theri house (melinda?)

SImon-The baby, he is cute, but I haven't seen him much, don't know him well, and frankly all I can tell is he's happy and smiley, and of course cute as a button.

There you have it, mostly a bunch of "don't know that well"s but it's all true

Emotions

2008-10-15T09:59:00.006-06:00

As this seems to be a year in which many in our family, starting with Melinda, and the latest being Jamie, have been sharing personal experiences and trials, I decided to post about every girl in our family (since the boys don't blog much)

So let's start with the beginning, with Grandma. Recently she sent me an e-mail in which I was supposed to describe her in one word and I said Grandma. I'm sure others would have said other things but whenever I think of you, I think grandma. You asked what that meant to me. Well it means someone fun, someone interesting, someone who loves me and my brothers, and someone who knows how to shop. :D Grandma has five kids, biologically, and five more through marriage. Ten kids! She has lots of grandchildren and probably more to come, as kecia no doubt is just getting started, and Jamie will soon be trailed by her own little group of followers I'm sure. The biggest thing that grandma is for me though, is not something you can describe. She IS grandma.

My Mom, this one is a little closer to me as, well dang SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME!!! so MOM, you might want to save this to your files because your never going to get this again. She is most of the time, the one I turn to when I have a problem, or when I'm sad. she encourages me and I know she loves me. She is the mom every girl wants I think. The one that she can fight with over clothing and totally insult, but it's like a best friend, and she will turn around and talk back and make a joke out of it. And of course, like most moms she is the one that you can totally hate two minutes ago but your friend just texted you mean, and now you can cry on her shoulder.

The next one I'm close to is Kecia. Weird huh? Kecia, is to me, what my mom was to her. I spend some weekends at her house, I love her baby, she takes me places, she's fun. Kecia, to me, is the girl that you want to go on a girl's day with, because she is SUCH a girl!! And not only is she an amazing aunt, but she is a great cook. If you don't know that, you better let her make you a meal! She gets me most delicious recipes and makes them so well, and she can make cake and ice cream look so good you don't want to eat it!! I love Kecia and I love being with her. She also hits a little closer, because of her dance experience.

Melinda, everyone messes up memories and everyone has those really bad experiences. You have two amazing little boys, and a husband in Afganistan. It's not going to be an easy ride. Personally, I know that she is abosultely jumping inside for when Dirk gets home. before they changed the date, we asked her how many weeks and she instantly said three. We said I thought you weren't counting and she's like I'm not counting days, Just weeks. but of course we all know that in her calendar in her mind, she is marking off every day until he comes home. I don't blame her. Melinda is one of the nicest ladies I know, and her sons are absolutely silly! She lives far away but she blogs enough that we can have a bit of the feel of her cuties. She struggled, like we all do in life, and she won.

Jamie, trying so hard to conceive a child. I believe that you would make an amazing mother, not only from watching you with the little boys, but also because you yourself have a little bit of a child in you. You and kelly both. I personally think that, though patience is hard, If the rest of us watch for a few years, we will slowly start seeing you carting around a kid on your hip while being dragged by another one's hand to go look what he/she found. And the greatest thing of all, is that the they will be yours. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be. You wil be a great mother, because you are a great aunt.

Mauri, dealing with a child, who has a problem. I don't know how it is as a mother, but I know as a sister and a cousin, that kids who have problems, are hard to deal with, but you still love them. Bipolar is very difficult, and my mother wondered if I had it also, because the smallest things could set me off. I know that Caleb must be very difficult, but I know for a fact that, from watching you with your kids, you still love him. I know that you must having the hardest time ever, but at the same time, I am proud of him. He's my cousin and I can say that he's one of the smartest little boys I know. You are an amazing person, and you have wonderful kids. I hope that Caleb can get better and easier, and I hope that you will have an easier time with him

I know in others minds they don't really count but I want to say something about the girls too

Adrie, you are an amazing cousin. I have to say your are also STUNNING as you told me on Tuesday. You are smart, I don't think your mom could manage without you. You are so fun to be around, and you are silly. You are also on of the prettiest girls I know, and no matter how you do your hair you look beautiful. I hope school is going well, and I can't wait to see you next.

And the last girl that isn't me. Emma!! Hey cutie!! Mommy has to read this to you!! I love you and I love seeing you! You are so cute and you are going to be just as pretty as Adrie someday. I love your smile, and if you get thin anytime soon I will have to cry for lack of those cute chubby rolls! I love you as a baby but I also can't wait for you to grow up and to be old enough to play with me and Adrie at parties! We all love you and you are the cutest baby is the world, even if you don't wear clothes all that often!!

I love every girl in this family, and I don't think the family would be complete with only some of us. I love you all!!!

Three a day I'm on my way!!

2008-10-09T12:39:00.002-06:00

Ok so I know that three posts a day is a bit excessive but this is the last one i promise. Besides on my dance bblog.

IT"S HERE!!

IT'S FREAKING HERE!!!

I OWN A FREAKING BLUE PASSPORT WITH MY FREAKING PICTURE ON THE FREAKING SECOND PAGE!!!!

I GOT MY FREAKING PASSPORT!!!! IN ONE FREAKING WEEK!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Cut

2008-10-09T09:55:00.005-06:00

I got a new book called cut. My mom said it sounded to dark but let me get it anyways. It was about a girl who self-harmed through cutting with her mothers crafting exacto knife. She was sent to a self-help center to try to get better. The book is about how she deals with things in her life, and what she does at 'Sea Pines' Or as her roommate calls it Sick Minds. After reading it for a second time (just for fun) I started to think. Obviously you all know I had a problem with this earlier in the year and a bit of last year. She was silent and drew back into her self. She wouldn't let anyone understand her. I began to think, as she revealed why she had started cutting, why I started. The first time I was on the phone with a guy I went out with. He made me very sad, and at the time i didn't have nay medication so I was depressed. I took a sharp kitchen knife with a green handle and cut my palm. I continued, now on my left arm, to do this until my mom started to notice. My friends noticed and they started telling the counselors. After thinking over my own experience I remembered something else. A couple of the other people I hung out with cut themselves also. They liked to think of us as 'cutters' but I preferred not to think of it. After a while, when I got really down or felt alone, I would threaten to kill my self to my friends. The days that I did this, the next day I would always have a new cut. Soon enough they realized these threats were empty and they began to ignore them and think I was nuts. In this time I had started taking depression pills, and soon after I was seeing a counselor named Joy. I saw Joy for about half a year I think, until she left the office and my parents felt I was well enough to take me out.

My life at school was so dramatic and though I had friends, I think most of them were bad influences. If you didn't have a boyfriend, you weren't cool enough. If you didn't cut and tell, you had problems. basically, for that year, my happiness depended on whether I had a boyfriend and the most friends. It was very material, and stupid. All through out this time, my parents were worried about me and trying ot help me, and I had other friends who would still stand behind me when I was single, and try to help me instead of hurt me when I began to cut again. A highlight in these girls, was Kambrea, still is. When I got dumped which i did alot, she would sit and tell m e I was better than the guy and that I was so young, and he was so immature, what was the point. She listen to my problems and help me as much as possible. Also, my parent were there. They were confused, and probably a bit scared of what I was doing, maybe even a little disgusted, but worried most of all. Many times, I know my mom has lost lots of sleep worrrying over what was going on,

After that year, they decided that Home-school would be the best route to put me in. I would be away from the influences that helped cause this, away from the drama. They often watched me over the weekends and saw I was much happier away from school, away from the drama. At the same time, they would be a little closer to me, if not mentally, then physically, and they could make sure I wasn't going to breakdown and cut again. I still have scars on my arms. My cousin keeps telling me to rub vitamin E oil on it and they will go away, but I don't think I want them to. I think I want them to stay, lightly, but there, so that when I look closely, I can remember, Ican see the stupid thing that I did and never do it again. I can see the light D carved into my skin, and think about how stupid it was, to get so upset over something so pointless. I want them there to remind me, no dark and heavy so that I can't wear short sleeves, but there to remind me of my seventh grade year, and the stupid choices I made. The year I wish I could take back, but at the same time, I'm glad it happened, because though it wasn't easy, and by far it didn't make me grow up and see the world as it really is, Through it I gained a little bit more of a testimony, I gained a little bit maturity, and most of all, I can finally see, that I can't control the world, and i can't live like the world, but I CAN be me, I can control me. I can't control it if someone loses interest and dumps me, but I can control my reaction. I can't control whether or not someone asks me out again before I turn sixteen, but I can control me.

Bad memories, with a good ending in a way. That's what the light marks on my arm will always be to me. I can't take back that year, I can't undo those mistakes, but I can try never to make them again, and I can finally see how bad what I did to myself was, and how hard it was for my family to stand by and watch while I pushed them away, how hard it was for kambrea to grab my arm and suddenly let go when she felt a new cut, how hard it was for her not to yell at me ans scream and cry until I stopped, I finally see that I hurt someone else, not just me. That what I was doing was hurting someone else, in a way I refused to see.

More, well ME!!

2008-10-02T20:06:00.006-06:00

just a picture my dad took of me! look how flawless my skin is!! LOL I HAVE NO PORES!! You never would have guessed I had a huge red angry zit in the middle of my fore head! We took them with Lill's family and this one just happened to turn out the best, be my favorite, and still have me goofing off in it. We took them at the Layton park and this is me sitting on to of one of the beautiful trees there.

School schedule

2008-10-02T10:19:00.004-06:00

I've decided to finish it. After we pick up Cade, he has keyboarding and I do math. then we do the two classes of the day. He then does math and I have some free time.d THen we do P.E. together. Then class is over. Usually I get dressed about midday and I love it. I don't HAVE to get dressed at all usually. After that we just hang out until every one else gets home. At the top is what I am dressed like to day . It's starting to get fun and interesting to be home-schooled and i think I may like it just a tiny bit. Today we had computers and our assingment was to put something on our blogs along with a picture or video. If you don't know you can find Cade's Blog at www.cadewillden.blogspot.com He is just starting and Is really anxious about getting some attention on there so if you can leave him a comment and add him to your list. He will posting alot about ACDC the band he has based it on and Problem Child, the ACDC Song that it is all based on.

In other new, don't you just love my socks!!!

JK here is the scoop on us as of late

I got back on my bike for the first time in like a month yesterday WHEEE! I practiced some of no handle tricks me and Erika got good at last year including one we call the toe touch because we stick out one leg to look like we are doing a perfect one leg toe touch and some others.

We are going to Thanksgiving point on Friday with Ben, Simon, and Melinda. We were going with Grandma to but she bailed on us!!

My math is really confusing

I am going to London soon, I hope!! and I get my passport in a few weeks.

And that's all I have time for!!

One Two skip-dee-doo three four passport at the door!

2008-10-01T07:54:00.003-06:00

Okay so Tuesday (yesterday) we went and submitted my application for a passport. I had to pay a whole flipping 25 dollars to the post office just so he could verify that my information was correct! A WHOLE FLIPPING TWENTY FIVE! That's at least two babysitting jobs wasted on a guy so he could tell me that they really are my parents! I also got a new job. My neighbor is paying me 20 a month to walk her dog since she has two boys and they are crazy critters! The post man said 4 to 6 weeks till the passport get here and he also said that most customers said 2 - 3 so it will be here probably sooner than that. I am saving up CASH so I can turn my MONEY in to POUNDS! Isn't that name so cute?? Ten dollars is five pounds and 20 is ten pound. 2 dollars is a pence, and 2 pennies is a penny. I am trying to save up enough money to buy something for myself, a souvenir, and possibly something for everyone who comments that they want something. Specifics only, and if it's expensive NO! I will have math in the mornings with my dad and while he's in meetings school via chat with my mom!! Can't wait!

Happenings, and LONDON!!

2008-09-29T11:10:00.003-06:00

not much interesting has been happening so I'm going to skip that and get right to LONDON!! I have saved up enough money for a passport and we are submitting the forms later today, or tomorrow. We should get the passport itself in about three weeks and then soon after that (no exact date yet) my dad has to go to London for Two and a half or three weeks! and I am going with him!! I am planning on bringing back some present so on the comments mention something you might like. I will have school via chat with my mom except for math, while my dad is in mettings and afterwards we are going out touring! I promise to post often about what happens and when I get the passport!! I might even take this compuyter!! That's all for now

Three girls four kids. RUN!!

2008-09-19T18:17:00.003-06:00

So Abbey came and she brought her little sister. We had four kids until, one of the moms took her son early, so we only had three. Brody Terry, Blake Terry, and Bryson Mitchell (sound familiar Melinda?) as it was, two of us would go to swipe food from the kitchen and one would hide the kidsand convince the other two they had run off. Then when Abbey and Courtney left the kids actually followed them and we chasesd them for aoub ten mintures! It was pretty fun all in all!

Tongiht should be exciting

2008-09-18T13:19:00.003-06:00

For a long time I thought a girl in my ward was very popular and therefore stuck up. I recently read aobut osme problems she has been having lately. I realize I was really wrong about her and she's a great person (Hi Abbs!) tonight we are doing a nursery for the Relief Society togetherl. I hope it goes well! Can't Wait. By the way everyone you can now access my dance blog as http://www.dancelikeyourfeet.blogspot.com

UP

2008-09-16T13:04:00.003-06:00

The new blog is up. you can acces it at http://www.dancelikeyourfeet.blogspot.com

Too lazy or too busy?

2008-09-16T11:52:00.003-06:00

either one I am not planning of finishing the previous post anytime soon! Too lazy I'm guesssing! But that can't be true! I am starting dance again on the 25th and I will have it on thursdays form 4:45 to 7:15! And this just in (especially for Kecia) I will be in Toe Shoes!! i will also be taking tap and jazz, but ballet is the coolest since I have to have million dollar shoes for it! JK! But we probably will have to go buy pretty much brand new stuff. If anyone wants to keep track of my dance classes (again, still especially for Kecia) you can visit http://www.mrspeeksdance.com which is a dance blog by my teacher. And pretty soon, though I have no idea when, I am going to open up another blog to put up pictures of dance, costumes and announcements. As soon as I put it up I will announce it. I will have to keep that one up to date no matter what because My friend, Erika and I talked about it and Someone (hint hint mom!) is probably going to end up taking pictures at least every two months of me and her and document out progress.!

Less Stories, More talking

2008-09-09T07:24:00.003-06:00

I have decided to put less stories on here and a start to use it as what it is, A BLOG. So here it goes. Lately I have been home-schooled. Oh joy! IT's actually a lot funner and better that regular school but at the same time I get bored. Let's go through my schedule for you all. In the Morning I usually get up about 7 or 6:45. We have breakfast with the entire family and then Cade heads off to school. Me and mom have my health class and then we pick up Cade from sunset. I have Geometry with my dad, but I really don't understand a lot of it. Then we have our classes. We have 8 other classes that we rotate throughout so we have five or six classes a day. When Cade gets home, I'll finish this later got to go

Feeling lucky??

2008-08-08T19:23:00.003-06:00

Okay so it happens every year to us girls (obviously not to guys because they don't really care what they look like) School starts creeping up on us then it springs. There's a week till school starts, probably a two till I start but still. It's almost time for school, my clothes shopping is done now there's just one things left to do. Find the perfect first day outfit. I know, it sounds like something a teenager would say, oh wait it is!! For guys you throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt the day of. I have spent the last two hours in my mom's bedroom with my clothes trying every shoe, pants, make-up ,shirt, glasses-no-glasses, sock, earring match I can possibly find. My thighs are chafed from taking on and off jeans and my lips hurt from trying on so much lip-gloss. My face has just been scrubbed for the millionth time and I don't know how many times I've accidentally poked myself in the cheek or ear with my earrings. Finally I got the perfect outfit for my hair, earrings, pants, make-up, shirt, glasses, socks and found I have no matching shoes. To top that all off I stood outside for ten minutes ask everyone who passed by what they thought of my outfit for some critique and they all said I looked like a freaky human-bumblebee mix that should be in the psychiatric ward. So much for that outfit, or maybe not. I asked everyone that passed by but they all happened to be old (like the average people who will be reading this!! jk!!) so at least there's some room right? JK!! about all of it!! I did find the perfect outfit but everyone thought it was okay, except for Ethan who has no taste whatsoever anyways. So in honor of my moving and the fact that you all may never see this outfit, I will describe it to you.

Drumroll please ra-ta-ta-ta-ra-ta-ta-ta

And now featuring the never before seen, first day of school outfit!!

black skinny jeans, a box neckline shirt with a cute tie in the back to right below my neck there's a little hole, some huge silver hoops with detachable silver stars, no glasses, brown colored make-up, hide-a-way nude socks, my hair neatly tucked back and straightened, and a pair of american eagle slight heels which are black and white with a little white bow and the bottom of where the foot shows and the heel is more like a lift. I will also be wearing liplicous brown sugar lip-gloss and rainkissed leaves body splash both from bath and body works and in case you didn't know both on major sale right now!!

I'm pretty sure that will be the outfit of the season but stay tuned, it might change.

THe Painter

2008-08-08T10:52:00.003-06:00

Tarabite and I creeped into the living room. This was a mission not some folly thing. We had to get joshua to talk about Maddie in his sleep. If it was fulfilled we could rest at ease that we had done the right thing and got them back together again when it was my stupid mistake that split them up in the first place. You see when Maddie was little, about three, her dad was very abusive and she often came to our genius babies school with bruises and cuts all over her body. One day it had been especially bad and that happened to be the day she met josh. She acted like she had fallen out of a tree and he believed her so much so that he wanted to hang out with her. Last year they had started going out having been friends since that day. A couple of weeks ago Josh decided he wanted to meet Maddie's dad. She was very coy in keeping him away from her house and one day, as usual, in my morning not awak and not thinking mode, I told him about Maddie's dad. He was horrified by her father, then angry at maddie for having lied to him about it when something could have been done years ago. She told him that her dad just got angry sometimes and that she loved her father and couldn't bear for things to get "taken care of" so they got in a fight. Then the saddest thing in the world happened, the cutest couple to ever walk this earth BROKE UP. Just plain both said I ca't be with you anymore and borke up. Maddie always still talked about josh and we decided (tarabite and I) to get them back together. If we could just get him to think he still loved her then everything would be all right, but I had always been a bit of a clumsy kind of blonde person and surely enough, I tripped over the couch. Josh came out completely freaked in a pair of aerospace boxers and we began to laugh our heads off at him, realizing now who it was. He ran and put on a robe then came to ask what we were doing. I told him all aobut Maddie and how things were for him and he said he still felt the same. I told him he should talk to her tomorrow if he could and we would help. He nodded then turned to look at the clock. As her turned tarabite readied her pouch and we dissapeared as he tried, in his confused stills leeping state, to figure out what those darned numbers meant. When he turned around, we were gone and he was ready for bed.

The Painter

2008-06-27T09:35:00.004-06:00

I went out after our friends had found the terrified girl. She cocked her head to get a better look at the stranger creature in front of her. I looked back, but not because she was odd. Her wispy hair was blue and gray, the colors of sadness, and looked as though she had never washed or combed it. Her eyes were the normal gray color, but unlike the others, the fire that burned in the back was gone, and so was any spark of light. Her clothes were torn and ruined. She had red blood spilling in many places. She was nearly dead. I walked up slowly and she began to squirm and try to get free. So she was afraid of me. Well I'd fix that soon enough.

The Creeasnts held her in place and I began to treat her wounds, to help her. Slowly, but surely, a little spark started in her eyes. When her wounds were all healed, Creeasnt's wounds have a quick heal, I began to explain what had happened to her lover. I carried his message, but she never batted an eyelid.I began to belief I had the wrong girl when she spoke to her gods in her own tongue.

"Relay this message to him. please my gods! Tell him he has done well, and he fufilled both his missions. To die and to save me. Thank you."

I was confused but I said nothing. She turned to me,"thank you too. Manny would not have relaied the messagy and ignoored meh. I thank you vary moochly."

I spoke in creeasnt to her,"I speak your language fluently. YOu need not try english among us."

She smiled and nodded at the kindess and turned to the others dismissed them. "I need a place to stay and wash. And somewhere to eat"

"I can provide all of that, IF you are willing ot help me and my friends defy the dark lord"
She smiled coyly and nodded. I knew then that her lover was not her set lover, and she had been defying him so years. I knew then that she would be very helpful. I knew then that she would show us the way. And I was glad.

Life as we know it continued

2008-06-10T15:49:00.003-06:00

I grabbed the knife from under my pillow and pulled my covers closer around me. Switching on the light I found nothing. So this WASN'T another middle of the night-stay awake-raid done by the other girls. I looked around my room. I started screaming at the top ;of my lungs, when I found nothing. Annie came running in with my little brother Saige.

"What's wrong?"
"Bad dream. Sorry I woke you. Hey, Mom," She forced me to call her mom around her," Can Saige stay in my room. I got a little scared and I think my little boy would make everything better."

Annie eyed me oddly, because I never let Saige sleep in my room, even when he begs for two hours. At this point, Saige was ignoring Annie and jumping up and down screaming,"I get to sleep in Atica's room! I get to stay in Atica's room!"

Annie told him to shutup and began to say slowly that he oculd but why did I want him in there when my bed moved. I told Annie to go to bed and Saige stayed in my room. I asked him to go get me a glass of water, really quick, and he ran out. I then turned to confront the underneath of the bed.I stuck my toe under and something bit it. Hard. I pulled it out and thrust the knife under. The something grabbed it before it reached skin and wrenched my hand, trying to get the knife out of my grasp. I held tight to my only survival tool and gave it a hard in what I assumed to be the chest area. I screeched in an odd voice that only a water elemental protector could hear. So this was a creature from the other world. In other words, NOT GOOD!

Saige chose that moment to speak up,"What's under your bed?"
I flipped around at a record pace and told him"Nothing. Go to bed Saige." In my best teenage sister voice. He left pouting and I returned to grappling with the Icreeasnt(Ick-re-as-net) under my bed. It pulled my closer and kicked at my kneecap. I heard a snap as the kneecap came out of place and broke my leg. It began to pull again, to get my arm this time, when I kicked it in the stomach again. I picked up my bed and moved it so I could see the windless Icreeasnt under my sleeping space. It was Male, obviously young, with a look of malice on it's dark face. It had shrouded itself in clothes in hope that I would not find it's weak area's but it was not prepared for a protector who had studied their bodies for two years. I kicked aobut a foot lower in the stomach and he doubled over in pain. I picked up my knife, grimacing because of the bloody process I had to complete. I stuck it in between The young Icreeasnt's eyes and he whispered something. I bent down, knowing exactly what he knew, that he would die and like all Icreeasnts he would ask me to carry a message to his loved ones.

"My name is Leion. Carry my message Taribite. Tell her I love her and that I died trying to save her."

I then realized what I had done. This young Leion was being forced by the overlord of the other world. He was trying to save his love, Taribite, and he had failed by failing to kill me. I was sorry I had done this, quite remorseful really, but I knew it had to be done. It was him or me, and I was a protector. But still it stung that I had killed one of the very creatures I needed. A Creeasnt who was against the overlord and willing to help us. I could have protected him and his Taribite.

I called Mattie. No answer. I paged her. No answer. I summoned her spirit. It appeared in the middle of my room,"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

I told her the story of what had just happened and she dispatched two of our cCreeasnt friends to find and save the lost and indagered Taribite.

Life as we know it continued

2008-06-09T15:01:00.003-06:00

It was dark and extremely WET when I arrived at Moby's cave. It smelled like rotten fish and dead skunk. The nasty combination had Mattie in tears and the other girls were trying to calm her down. My power had always been water, which was the most calm of elements. AsI arrived she stopped and looked at me smiling. Her eyes had bright red right below them and her lips were still quivering. She stared at me for a minute and then said,"Thank you all for coming. We will have a difficult time in doing this, but it will save us all. I hope you are all prepared." She looked around at our packs and dark clothing,"You know the plan. Ty?"

I created a tidal wave that crashed on the guards post causing them to run to get dry and get shovels to get the washed up fish back in the water, before they died, without touching them and ruining their perfect white gloves. Quite a challenge if you ask me. Tyara used her air skills to grab the keys that would let us past the security, and Camille made us look like the security guards. All in all we slipped in, no problem.

"Mattie?" Camille whispered,"Where is it?"
"I'm coming up blank"

We looked at her for a minute, then I shrugged and got out my flashlight. We began to search the cave. We didn't think we would find it and thought it was another hopeless attempt, tomfoolery made by the king of the Destroying world, the man who so desperately wanted to end this world, the man we so desperately fought against. We didn't find it till Trishy stuck her foot through it by accident and started screaming.

"WHAT IS IT? YOUR GONNA GET US CAUGHT!"
"MY FOOT! IT'S STUCK"

We walked over to her and saw her leg sticking into the wall with not foot.

"So it's a black portal?"
"Guess so," Mattie said sensing that this was it.

I grabbed the stick of dynamite in my backpack. I lite it and threw it in. As trishy covered the explosiong, and Tyara muffled the sound, the rest of us hid under a big boulder for cover. Norw that we had ended this portal we could teleport out. Mattie put her hand in the air and we all grabbed onto it. Seconds later we were on out favorite spot on the beach, and a group of guys with a fire was near us. As we closed in on the guys we realized it was Mattie, Tyara, and my boyfriends, with some friends. We all went to sit down to the accoridng boy and the other four girls sat in a huddle between me and Mattie. after about an hour we all said goodbye and everyone, except me and David, left. We sat there for an hour talking. Then I got tired. He kissed me on the nose and the forehead, and told me I should go get some sleep and tell me more about our adventures tomorrow. I can tell David everything and we are a perfect match, because his power is Ice. We help each other out sometime, though are missions are totally different. I am a protector, he is a Finisher. He goes in with his friends to check up on what we've done and make sure it worked, by going through a special ritual, that they won't tell us about, and then returning to us. It only makes sense that his group of seven should be friends with ours. A few of us are even going out, like me and David.

I headed home and when I arrived my mom had the light on in her office. Good. That meant she was still working and hadn't noticed that it was three A.M. and I was just getting home. When I lifted myself with water into my room She walked in. When thise happens, I pretend I was a klutz and I fell out the window. She doesn't know that I have never been klutzy in my life and it's all an act for her. Oh well. I change into a pair of shorts and a tank top. As I climb into my bed and get settled for a little reading, Annie's, my mom, light goes out. I turn off my own and hit the Hay. The next thing I remember is someone climbing in my window

Life as we know it. (acontinuatinon of the painter)

2008-05-21T07:08:00.003-06:00

It was a stormy gray night and Mattie had called an emergency meeting at the clubhouse. We were all there in 15 minutes and ready to find out what she had ot say. Little did we know it was going ot turn our lives upsode down and change everything we knew.

"I found an open portal, to Tamara."
"Woah!! wait a minute!!! That means we have," Karma checked her watch,"36 hours and 20 minutes to close or...or..."
"Life as we know it will cease to exsist. the main reason this is so important it, unlike the first portal we foun, it isn't in a painting and i can't change the scene to close it.
"well where is it?'
"Moby's Cave."

We gasped. Moby's cave was the abandoned piece of beach and rocks, the cave in which Captain Moby and his crew had crashed into, killing almost 400 sailors, passengers, and Captain Moby himself. Moby's cave was under constant guard because it was so dangerous and Mayor Tyloer didn't want anyone to get in there. There was no way in or out, at least alive. No one had ever comeout of Moby's Cave. Captain Moby was bringing lost souls and medicine to our small town. After the crash, over 600 sick and wounded died. The plague passed and Mayor Koco helped rebuild Langshire to th point where it was livable. His son, Moby, had died and he was going ot fix everything. His daughter bore a son named Toreck and he became the next president, continuing the mayor's name in Koco's generations.

"That's impossible. We can't do that"
"we have to. Girls, we are the guardians. We must do this."
we nodded in agreement and went home ot pack out supplies for the dangerous task ahead of us

Sick - of school!

2008-05-15T12:58:00.004-06:00

I know, I know! I'm home sick and we only have ten days left, but I am still sick of school. It bugs! Mostly it is the people at school, not the actual school, but there is a little bit of that too. I think my math teacher gives to much homework, especially for weekends. Other than that, all of my classes are just goof time. Which sucks, because of the number of Catty girls and rumors that go around. My school happens to be, in my opinion, the most dramatic Junior High any person could possibly live through. And it isn't just the stuff about me that bugs. Some people were calling my friend the "BFG" I asked them what it meant and they replied, "Big Fat Giant. We wanted to say big fat ugly giant but it didn't work out. Neither did big ugly giant or BUG." That made me Mad! Also, almost all the girls in my gym class pick on my friend Joanna. She is bigger and kind of shy. She came to the school about two months ago and these "popular" girls have made her life a living nightmare, the only problem is she can't pinch herself awake! They have started Evey rumor imaginable about her. They have also done horrible things in gym, and lied to the gym teacher, Ms. Nick, so she almost got kicked out of the class. She has spent every lunch period surround by girls picking on her for about 5 minutes, then spends the rest of the period hiding out in Gumbrecht's room with me and her friends. She never takes off her jacket, because when she does the girls call her fat, ugly, and hairy. She has darker skin and black hair, therefore her hair is darker. They tease her and call her horrid names. She ends up crying everyday for at least two or more periods. She doesn't have very many friends. I even get teased for staying friends with her and not being rude to her! I don't care what people say, Joanna is my friend. I have found a few of my friends are in every one of her classes, and though they don't like her, they are my friends and good people, so they stick up for her when I'm not around.

I am tired of my friends being picked on!

It has been fun having grandma watch us for the last few days. She is pretty fun and not to strict. We ran out of airheads and she restocked us and had The Gibson's come over yesterday. It was fun. Mostly she makes sure we do the things were supposed to, like homework and keeping our rooms clean, makes sure she knows where we are, and makes sure we are all fed and to bed on time. She cleaned out dad's office so now we only have to do two things. Move it into his other office (or into storage) and get new carpet! I don't know if you can tell on her blog, but the carpet is creepy! It's scares little children! On Tuesday for Young Women's, my group went to a soup kitchen at 5:45 and I didn't know, so I went with Ashley's group who did a very tiring and invigorating lap around South Weber on bikes and then got ice cream bars at Ray's. We went back around dropping everyone off till it was just me and Ashley. I rode up to Ashley's house then came home and had a shower! After that, I needed one. On Monday night we went to my concert. It was fun, but it was way long. I played pretty well and got my graduating certificate. My teacher is always having car troubles, so she thinks so much of us for putting up with her car. The seniors who are leaving gave her flowers, a poem written by one of them, and a remote control car. They said it was all they could afford! LOL! It was so funny. All in all it has been a fun week so far with grandma here. Hope mom and dad are having fun in Epcot (those stinkers)!

I am Esmerelda

2008-05-15T12:55:00.003-06:00

You Are Esmerelda!

Mysterious and passionate. You are a survivor. Even though life has swung you some difficult situations you have a strong intuition that gets you through. Also, you have the capacity to sympathize and relate to a variety of different people.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

2 horrible days

2008-05-06T17:15:00.002-06:00

I already posted about my stupid bus driver's rules. Well, today after school I came back to my locker to find my stuff littering the floor. I turned to my locker partner and asked her what the heck was going on, then I noticed Aleanndra putting her stuff in my spot and using half of my stuff. They told me to get out, Aleanndra was moving in, and they were keeping my stuff. I grabbed my stuff, and in a haze of tears, found my way to Kambrea's locker. Kam has no locker partner so I moved in, and grabbed all my stuff back out of the locker and used it more MY new locker. So Today I was kicked out of my own locker and I had to get in a new one that i can't ever get the com right to. I would say I have a reason to be mad. Then Aleanndra came in and opened "her" locker and noticed my stuff gone, she chased me around the school, swearing at me and smacking me with her jacket, and tell the Vice that we were playing. Kam came to my rescue and swatted Aleanndra hard on the back with her own jacket and grabbed my stuff. We made a run for it and Aleanndra's ride arrived. The late bus came and I hid in the back corner of the bus, very hurt. That hurt. BAD. Ouch.

Ranting

2008-05-05T15:44:00.002-06:00

So grandma suggested I use this to rant and rave when I need. Right now I need! Some idiots on my bus have been goofing off and ticking off my bus driver. Now she has made a rule that you have to "check-in" when you get on the bus and you can't bring friends unless there is a note from your parents, the friends parents, and the school, who, may I add, refuses to authorize any notes for, and I quote, "hanging out, parties, sleepovers and ect. Anything that is not for a students educational further-ment will be disregarded." Well so much for me and Kambrea having a sleepover on friday. BY THE WAY, Kambrea is my new best friend and pretty much the only one my mom likes. SHe is active in the church, and a good influence. She is fun and silly, She enjoys a lot of things I do and we are constantly teasing each other. SHE ROX! Insult her and you die! JK! Anyways, Kam was going to come home with me today and we were going to hang out till her dad took her to her brothers choir concert, at which she has to be present for part of his grade, as he has to bring a student and adult. Her dad and my mom said ok so he dad planned on picking her up from my house and went out with Holden to eat. Well since Kam has to be there on time and she had to go to the Elememntary and have her mom come get her, She will be late and end up getting Holden an C- which he will not only blame her for, but blame ME for. Now every time I go over to her house her borhter is going to make my life miserable. THANK YOU JEAN(MY BUS DRIVER) THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! WITCH! I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU! On a happier note, when I came home my mom had some new cl9othes onmy bed for which I thank hre very much! I LOVE THE PANTS!!!!!! THANKS YOU(LITERALLY THIS TIME)!!!!!!!!

The Painter

2008-04-23T07:05:00.003-06:00

Mattie was very talented as you can see. The Mona Lisa looked like a six year olds work compared to her paintings. When she got in the colored mood anything could happen on that palette, and most of the time, it was real. My favorite of hers was a depiction of me in fire mode. I was in complete fire and I was shooting fireballs at my friend Tamara, who is water. Now you have to remember, we did these exercises just for fun and practice, and this cound't really hurt Tamara. She was amazing and her power came in handy when we couldn't control our own. She would yell our colors and suddenly, if it was dimming our powers wuld be renewed.

The Painter

2008-04-21T18:55:00.003-06:00

She wiped her forehead with me dirtied hand leaving a green smudge that covered her entire upper head. Ashley pointed it out and we all looked in the mirror and laughed at our faces, and clothes. We were covered from head to toe in rainbow colors and weird mixtures that came from who know where. This is the story, but it's not my story. This is the story of The Painter and her friends. Mattie Anna Sam Kunkel was the best artist you would ever met, and she was the only artist I had ever met. We always joked about the fact she like to paint masks on people and her initials spelled mask. She was an odd girl, even for a 17 year old. Her red hair was constantly filled with different colors, left over from her painting projects, As were her clothes. The only thing that wasn't this way was her silver sequined shoes. She always wore these shoes to school. She also wore a set of many color-stained gloves that were at one time white.they went up to her elbows and she almost never took them off, unless she was really proud or it was a special occasion. The most exciting thing was that at my musical, she took the gloves off AND gave them to me to wear! Her eyes were a stormy blue, kinda like the ocean when it is recovering from a hurricane. The most special thing about Mattie was the fact that she could control colors. We all had our special Abilities, or as we liked to call them, Talents. Hers was amazing, and becuase of it and a bit of talent she became one of the most famous painters in the world. But this story comes before all of that.