tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66697709124262606012024-03-19T16:59:58.140-06:00The Next GenerationMakae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-31907185642512058222011-06-24T10:28:00.002-06:002011-06-24T10:35:43.567-06:00Ups and Downs, and A party on the wayThings have been up and down and crazy. Graduated, almost went back in. I cant begin to share how many emotions I ahve felt over the past few weeks. It has been all over the place. So let's start with the simple<br /><br />HIVES- No allergy, just chronic hives. Yes, this does mean I will have them forever, or maybe just for a really really long time<br /><br />LIFELINE- still going to therapy, struggling along but doing better<br /><br />WEIGHT- I'm finally on a weight loss plan for sure. :)<br /><br />FRIENDS- getting better, still trying and still struggling but it's getting much much better.<br /><br />PARTY!!!~ IT"S ON!!!! Next Wednesday, all family and friends are invited :) Bring a date, a mutual friend, or just yourself :). I'm super excited to be turning sixteen. No, i can't drive yet, No, I am not staying in utah, but YES I AM EXCITED!!!!<br /><br />MOVING- It's happening. The house is sold, were out by July 30th. I'm actually really excited to be moving. most people aren't but I am :)<br /><br />Life is getting better, it's all on an upswing and I'm feeling good :)Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-87589464636037814152011-04-14T06:45:00.004-06:002011-04-14T07:03:43.463-06:00Grandma Bea<div>First off, let me say, I love this woman to death, and this is a tribute to her. She was wonderful. I have great memories with her, counting pigs, being teased about kissing boys, and lots of others. She was such a sweet kindhearted lady. But I send her no prayers, or tears as I will soon explain. This morning my mom came in and told me the situation with her. I almost cried and then I started thinking. A few things came of it, one being the following poem</div><div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center; ">Grandma Bea</div><div style="text-align: center; ">for her, I'd send my prayers</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but she needs them not</div><div style="text-align: center; ">as she ascends the pearly stairs</div><div style="text-align: center; ">to find the place that god has got</div><div style="text-align: center; ">for her, I'd send my tears</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but she needs them not</div><div style="text-align: center; ">for her now, there are no fears</div><div style="text-align: center; ">up to heaven to find her spot</div><div style="text-align: center; ">for her, I'll send my love</div><div style="text-align: center; ">to her and Grandpa</div><div style="text-align: center; ">in their place above</div><div style="text-align: center; ">you see, I loved Grandma</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but she lived a long life</div><div style="text-align: center; ">happy and free</div><div style="text-align: center; ">sure there was strife</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but in my small self, I want to be</div><div style="text-align: center; ">as much like her as I can</div><div style="text-align: center; ">I'd even love pigs</div><div style="text-align: center; ">and I'd marry a man</div><div style="text-align: center; ">Who fishes up there with the bigs</div><div style="text-align: center; ">so all the world can see</div><div style="text-align: center; ">the imprint this wonderful woman</div><div style="text-align: center; ">left on me</div><div style="text-align: center; ">and if I can</div><div style="text-align: center; ">show you her big heart</div><div style="text-align: center; ">you know that I will</div><div style="text-align: center; ">I'm sad we have to be apart</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but above, she's in a better place still</div><div style="text-align: center; ">and for her? I'd write a song</div><div style="text-align: center; ">but for someone like her</div><div style="text-align: center; ">it's be much to long</div><div style="text-align: center; ">so i'll stick to this poem, Of that I'm sure</div><div style="text-align: center; "><br /></div></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;">I will love you forever Grandma Bea!</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-88613284589925397532011-04-08T09:59:00.002-06:002011-04-08T10:08:16.375-06:00Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 3<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>The clothes have been gone through, the new room set up, the old music discarded, a new hair cut taken care of, some pieces for a new wardrobe discovered, and a birthday dress has begun to be made. The soul has been cleansed, a Therapy Contract signed, and A Graduation date set. The Biology class has been finished, a new type of therapy is being considered, a trip to colorado has been spent, and I feel....The same.<div><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>Maybe it's the lack of friends around me to stop the lonely throbs that soar throughout my body daily. Maybe it's the fact that it all feels external and I need that weekend of REAL cleansing and soul searching. I don't know what it is, but through the setbacks that have happened recently, the hurts, and the sadness, I don't feel pessimistic or down or like giving up, I just feel the same. It's like no matter what I do to my outside, it will never be enough to change the inside. Soooooo, Final part of the Operation. Lend me all your self-help books, give me all your candles and incense, find me a corner or a room, and get out of it. Next Friday, Saturday, and Sunday will be a cleansing weekend. Wish me luck!</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-84823451104400679172011-03-21T15:20:00.003-06:002011-03-21T15:25:46.695-06:00Operation Spring Cleaning: The hairChanging my hair<div><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLASwWaz1dMkxFcpUsEVtJVDWFn1KlaFkGQaexyUaCP82EoV3HgUMe84hh33wysTgFb613_EmfmCrhcFnYco5dIbhXY3KABz84LjPptHC0KJ82QiafPMhD1Fze8f51OvEbZZDpQKU7U7G/s1600/IMG_2677.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnLASwWaz1dMkxFcpUsEVtJVDWFn1KlaFkGQaexyUaCP82EoV3HgUMe84hh33wysTgFb613_EmfmCrhcFnYco5dIbhXY3KABz84LjPptHC0KJ82QiafPMhD1Fze8f51OvEbZZDpQKU7U7G/s320/IMG_2677.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586646764021597842" /></a>THe finished product back<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirIfX3Nb3ovrgH2KZXeIipDWUwwK2SMDJXVLHne5w8iZHpVqlu8b-uE_Vx98n7fEe3_dUVd83ELwDX5KiOyN_wqBWkOJK5q_gq-antcElaT_w-aDC3A8LwFBUrrH33Doxck3HZHvK32E2S/s1600/IMG_2676.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirIfX3Nb3ovrgH2KZXeIipDWUwwK2SMDJXVLHne5w8iZHpVqlu8b-uE_Vx98n7fEe3_dUVd83ELwDX5KiOyN_wqBWkOJK5q_gq-antcElaT_w-aDC3A8LwFBUrrH33Doxck3HZHvK32E2S/s320/IMG_2676.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586646753190697794" /></a>Front<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn4BPTEf6RVI-sdcbW5l_b9sPDoe7oP95N9lK8GIbECAnvZ0udJBXUcw73ECBS9PTly2MFoRGJ7GLhCM_i_0rFCNBQkmT9FnX3eQoFFs7l6FSST2CTWJPTN9IJex-kdURADfx7Qj7G2dpZ/s1600/IMG_2672.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjn4BPTEf6RVI-sdcbW5l_b9sPDoe7oP95N9lK8GIbECAnvZ0udJBXUcw73ECBS9PTly2MFoRGJ7GLhCM_i_0rFCNBQkmT9FnX3eQoFFs7l6FSST2CTWJPTN9IJex-kdURADfx7Qj7G2dpZ/s320/IMG_2672.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586646742946089442" /></a>The final cut, without dye<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRd8Dr8mnnjzbj0q1mO2FsRVkOLYXseA8_ZySuBcyckqhxI9L0YgBeLavrw8WeJzOIUuZNpdytCL0HfYF-tSKyJsAm9JkYMIwJzwIH8ixXGh4bnknmGlgpoO8umUWFmzAFei3QQx1Q0Qmp/s1600/IMG_2670.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRd8Dr8mnnjzbj0q1mO2FsRVkOLYXseA8_ZySuBcyckqhxI9L0YgBeLavrw8WeJzOIUuZNpdytCL0HfYF-tSKyJsAm9JkYMIwJzwIH8ixXGh4bnknmGlgpoO8umUWFmzAFei3QQx1Q0Qmp/s320/IMG_2670.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586646740729561490" /></a>Halfway done<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcp6WlR4JSIDbAoLuYDvvcyoXad7PmqG7vVZ3XOxnDxgpgRqDz8UOCoEKUaSXsuq63VbK_lGoeOGHRrYlYvQe8GWrhsSUAOI7rN7QoF5i4UV3_ieUevZhOaQUCF8RQf2MwliftQV1IXHBa/s1600/IMG_2668.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcp6WlR4JSIDbAoLuYDvvcyoXad7PmqG7vVZ3XOxnDxgpgRqDz8UOCoEKUaSXsuq63VbK_lGoeOGHRrYlYvQe8GWrhsSUAOI7rN7QoF5i4UV3_ieUevZhOaQUCF8RQf2MwliftQV1IXHBa/s320/IMG_2668.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586646731823504642" /></a>The original</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-81980705354126075442011-03-21T10:48:00.002-06:002011-03-21T11:01:13.892-06:00Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 2So today my aunt is coming to do my hair. Think dark brown and Katie Holmes bob. I'm sorry for all of you that loved my long hair, but it's going away. I cleaned out my music and my clothes, and am looking at what i need to get/replace. My room is a giant mess since everything that needed to be moved out of my mom's bathroom is in there, but it will be clean soon. I am also going to *sigh* give away my black tutu. I have had it for a long time, and it's not going to fit any little girls without some changes, so unless you can sew you don't want it for your little girl. But anyone that does want it, feel free to call me, cuz I'm giving it away. It is a huge sign of my past for me and i don't see anyway around getting rid of it. I am trying really hard to just let go. Also I have some really good teen novels, rather dark, but good ones that I need to rid myself of. One is called CUT, and it used to be my favorite. Also, if anyone has hand-me downs that might fit me, I am looking for a cheap way to replace the clothes that I don't want/can't have anymore. Also, my babysitting offer is still out there, and no one has taken me up on it yet. I can be a regular day babysitter as I don't have regular school. <div><br /></div><div>Homeschool is going pretty well although it is boring. My room is coming along nicely and we should get carpet in it sometime next week :) I am excited because I am going to have a jesus and spirituality wall where i am going to put all my spiritual stuff :)</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, if anyone has any good self-help books, or spiritual books, borrowing or donating, i don't care which, I would love to read them. I am trying to get on top of my life, and yes there has been setbacks this week, but I'm still trucking on. Today my mom is going to Meet Robyn Knudsen to find out about this new type of therapy they are thinking about starting me on, so lets all hope that I can start it, and it will help. </div><div><br /></div><div>That's all for today. :)</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-27783845131296529642011-03-18T15:55:00.003-06:002011-03-18T16:00:26.202-06:00Operation Spring Cleaning: Part 1So I have cleaned out my clothes for the most part, and Alicyn is going to be doing a cut and color on my hair sometime soon, one that is a little more natural looking. My friend Emily is also joining me on <i>Operation Spring Cleaning</i>, so yesterday we went through all of her clothes. I am sewing some changes on some of both of our clothes and am hoping to dive into the book The Bright Red Bow as soon as my mom is done with it. I have come up with some rules for <i>Operation Spring Cleaning</i><div><ol><li><b>No boyfriends</b></li><li><b>No giving up</b></li><li><b>No over eating or depressing lazy days</b></li><li><b>Absolutely Positively Posilutely NO GOING BACK!!!</b></li></ol><div>And again, I'm working my butt off for some money so Emily and I can go shopping for <i>Operation Spring Cleaning</i> so if anyone needs a babysitter, Please call :)</div></div><div><br /></div><div>That's all for today :D</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-68993137960749791682011-03-17T15:59:00.002-06:002011-03-17T16:13:18.906-06:00School, Home, and Life In GeneralSo here's how things are going lately. I just got kicked out of school and am doing homeschool and helping my mom around the house. Things are super stressful with my dad not home and my depression is kicking my butt. I'm really lonely and I get bored A LOT. I don't see friends that often and this week I have but it's been very stretched time if you know what I mean. I'm tired constantly and I don't want to get up to do anything. My room is being finished in two weeks and not even that is bringing me up right now. I feel like crying. My writing has been stopped for a while because I feel so crappy, and honestly I just need some positive attention from my friends, but it's not coming. All anyone seems to want to talk about is their problems, and how I got caught, and why i got kicked out of school. It's fine to talk about that stuff but it's like no one knows what else to say, and I'm guessing they probably don't. Friends that promised to call and text haven't even Face-booked me, and a bunch of people have deleted me. Honestly, I need to vent and I probably need a massage on my back and neck since I sit in front of a computer all the time, but I'm not getting either.<div><br /></div><div>I'm confused. I thought that everyone would still love me if I didn't go to school with them, but lately I'm getting the opposite reaction. I understand that a lot of them are probably upset with how I handled things, but everyone seems to be past that, and just into how i got caught. I don't want to talk about how I got caught!! I want to hang out and talk like a normal human being! My friends in Morgan haven't come to see me once since I got kicked out, My boyfriend dumped me because I got kicked out, and I'm still mad at myself for getting kicked out. This just isn't working out the way it should and it's bothering me. The move is getting slightly closer, though not soon enough. I just want it to be here already so I can leave my Utah life and reputation behind. I don't want to leave my family and my friends, but I don't want to stay like THIS.</div><div><br /></div><div>A lot of this is ranting and just getting out emotions, but as I sit here bawling and writing this, I know one thing and one thing alone. I'm sick and tired of the way things panned out for me, and it's time to change it. I don't want anymore druggie friends, or clothes, or hairstyles. I want to change my hair, my wardrobe, and my life. What I want is to turn back into the person I know I am deep inside, the problem? I just don't know how to find that person anymore. I've buried her too deep, let her get too hurt, and left her alone for too long. So, I propose a plan, and anyone can join me on it. Spring cleaning this year? It's gonna be self-cleaning to. I'm cleaning out my closet, changing out my hair, fixing my relationships. I'm gonna find the person I want to be, cuz I don't want to be THIS person anymore. No, I may not have the money to do any of this, but I will find it somehow, even if it means babysitting my butt off. SOOOO, anyone need a babysitter? :)</div>Makae Carrolline Willdenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02929722860749133479noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-26028558515943168472010-08-24T20:57:00.000-06:002010-08-24T20:59:43.664-06:00DONE!!!!my treatment at lifeline is officially over. I am done. it willhave been ten months on friday, but they were not wasted months. they were some of the most important special months of my life. I have struggled and come far and i am proud of myself. i will ot give up the sobriety i have for anything. a guy said today as i said goodbye to my group that there are some people you just know will be sober and that i was one of them. that made me so happy.<br /><br />MakaeAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-27053345645059826822010-06-18T09:49:00.002-06:002010-06-18T09:53:36.234-06:00I'm homeI'm home and i can be on the computer with my mom watching me. I'm still in treatment but there are 5 phases in my treatment center and I'm on 4. That means, my lovely little friends out there, I CAN CHILL WITH YOU ALL!!! so gimme a call and we'll set something up! Also my birthday is coming up on the 29Th. I is so excited!<br /><br />Makae<br /><br />"When hygienists leave on long vacations that's when dentists scream and lose their patients"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-22345545188846138802009-10-22T18:10:00.002-06:002009-10-22T18:14:09.996-06:00ResidentialI am making the next leap. We have chose LifeLIne as our residential of choice and I start on Wednesday. Anyone who wants to see me for the next little while (family can't visit and I won't be home before christmas) should come NOW. I'm in between on whether I want to go or not, but I'm going. Scared to leave so anyone who wants me to have a rememberance gift while I'm in there may donate now ;). but seriously, Im scared and I'm gonna miss you all. I can write letters and recieve them, so get the info from my parents and write me every day my loves.<br /><br />I will miss you all and I love you all.<br /><br />"I'm your biggest fan follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi"<br /><br />--MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-33941727081330688252009-10-19T07:00:00.001-06:002009-10-19T07:01:15.610-06:00The Next StepDay Treatment is turning out to not be quite enough. The next step in treatment in Residential, which is where I am headed. More info to come.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-10733844291151467682009-10-11T11:32:00.000-06:002009-10-11T11:33:10.662-06:00A christmas list, a bit earlyI think ahead. Way ahead, to the december month, and what I want.<br /><br />A straightener like Alicyn Hall's<br /><br />My Phone back<br /><br />Ipod Nano Generation 2 or 4 in green or purple. (Ebay is great! and sells for about 60)<br /><br />Spa Certificate (Beyond Spa)<br /><br />Money<br /><br />New Custom Converse (see my mom for details on all custom things) (<a href="http://www.converse.com">www.converse.com</a>)<br /><br />Size 16 pincher gauges.<br /><br />Pretty short and to the point. Doesn't leave much but money for others, but I want clothes so ya!!!<br /><br />On a side note, anyone who reads this who needs a babysitter, please call. I need the money!!! and I do love kids =}Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-58995568849767880092009-09-27T15:56:00.002-06:002009-09-27T15:59:38.786-06:0060th post!Woot Woot! 60 posts!<br /><br />lol anywayz<br /><br />School is going great, although with all the stuff I'm dealing with everything is on the bumpy side.<br /><br />Me and Cade Traded rooms ( which is so much better for me. poor him)<br /><br />I'm just glad to be home.<br /><br />Nothing much to say<br /><br />"In my field of paper flowers, with candy clouds of lullaby"<br /><br />MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-56621450515573756962009-09-12T18:27:00.003-06:002009-10-11T11:31:41.722-06:00A christmas list, a bit earlyI think ahead. Way ahead, to the december month, and what I want.<br /><br />A straightener like Alicyn Hall's<br /><br />My Phone back<br /><br />Ipod Nano Generation 2 or 4 in green or purple. (Ebay is great! and sells for about 60)<br /><br />Spa Certificate (Beyond Spa)<br /><br />Money<br /><br />New Custom Converse (see my mom for details on all custom things) (<a href="http://www.converse.com">www.converse.com</a>)<br /><br />Size 16 pincher gauges.<br /><br />Pretty short and to the point. Doesn't leave much but money for others, but I want clothes so ya!!!<br /><br />On a side note, anyone who reads this who needs a babysitter, please call. I need the money!!! and I do love kids =}Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-61264621253517276072009-09-12T18:17:00.001-06:002009-09-12T18:19:54.116-06:00<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_N3wqqfIeEoU/Sqw6l_SAgSI/AAAAAAAAANw/14-F5oXFkRY/s1600-h/uactuallydid.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 112px; height: 112px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_N3wqqfIeEoU/Sqw6l_SAgSI/AAAAAAAAANw/14-F5oXFkRY/s400/uactuallydid.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380740079117435170" /></a><br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_N3wqqfIeEoU/Sqw6LBWs1KI/AAAAAAAAANo/PkZt_HEqvr8/s1600-h/52176.gif"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 100px; height: 100px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_N3wqqfIeEoU/Sqw6LBWs1KI/AAAAAAAAANo/PkZt_HEqvr8/s400/52176.gif" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380739615817520290" /></a><br /><br /><br />these are two of five. Still working on the other ones. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-44659727968176781972009-09-05T07:27:00.002-06:002009-09-05T07:37:48.913-06:00School, finally, and more!ok, grandma, you have been begging for this post, so here we go.<br /><br />School is great. I go at 7:15 and my mom checks me in. I usually have a nummy breakfast of french toast or eggs, and then we all head down to the Catalyst room. THis is where we do school. We work at our on pace on our own packets with whatever help we need until 10:30.<br /><br />BREAK TIME!!! WE sing and play guitar and talk during break, and we get yummy snacks. Then Pam comes in and we do health. We recently did ME books for health. Right now we are doing essays on some sort of problem behavior. I think I'll do mine on BPD, just to get a better understanding on it.<br /><br />After that we go to lunch. WE have really good food, but every tuesday at around 12:30 we go to the hospital and eat there. SOO MUCH BETTER!!!! and that is saying alot, cuz we have GOOOD food. I have an oreo shake every day :).<br /><br />Then we go back to school. Tuesdays to Thursdays at around 2 we have gym. We play soccer, frisbee, basketball, and even four square. It's way fun. Then we have some kind of group, whether it is Therapuetic Recreation, Proccessing, or Mental Health. I learn somethin every day in these. Processing is what it sounds like. Processing everything and talking about it. Mental Health is the same, and TR is like gym, but with a moral.<br /><br />We always have one more group and get out at five, except Tuesdays and Fridays. Tuesdays that it's and fridays are special.<br /><br />Fridays we go on field trips. This week we went bowling at fat cats.<br /><br />Now for the MORE<br /><br />Miranda wears pony bead bracelets and I love them. So I decided to get some pony beads and make some. I have about twelve now and they are so cute.<br /><br />I haven't had any time for WoW, so I don't know how much I'll play that, except on non busy weekends. Also on that, Kelly is never on. WHich is GREAT for his wife and babies, but it has killed my leveling system.<br /><br />I am going to get back into playing the VIOLA! I asked my teacher for some music and we will see what comes of it.<br /><br />THat's all for now<br /><br />"Each day is a gift, and not a given right"<br /><br />--MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-14091095183254133672009-08-28T19:21:00.001-06:002009-08-28T19:21:46.509-06:00SchoolIt's been great, but right now, I'm not going to talk about the great stuff.<br /><br />Today, My mom told me that when I start regular school, I can't dress like me anymore. I was upset and while she checked me and a little while after I was crying. I talked to Miranda and felt better, until the car ride. I felt myself getting close to them, and I was thinking about how that might be a bad thing, when they started commenting on my lack of talkativeness. Paul, being well, Paul, had to announce that I hated them all, which made me feel horrible because that's what I was thinking about. Everyone got after him, but it still hurt. Then no one really talked to me. After lunch, Paul started again, but we went to the SLC Library and I got split into a different group with Jax and Beth. Beth and I talked books, and Jax joined in a bit until our scavenger hunt, which I pretty much did, was over and we won. Then Miranda, who usually makes me happy watched Alex walk past me. Maybe I'm a creep but he smells really really good, and it stays in the winde behind him, so I sniffed the air a little. She called me a creep. We went to the van and Beth said she wanted to sit by me in the back and talk books. Miranda would have to move up and she was mad, so she took it out on me<br /><br />"maddi's never riddin in the front"<br />"beths moving to tlak to her"<br />"FINE MADDI WON"T SIT THERE"<br />"who is going to"<br />"Not me"<br />I said "I"ll do it"<br />sarcastically "Yay. Good for you. loser"<br /><br />end with me cryin the whole way and home and no one noticing.<br /><br />So right now, I just really want a mani/pedi and some nails. I want to relax and ignore them, and not do my homework. But I really want to get my nails done this weekend, and relax. And I have to work all day tomorrow. Joy.<br /><br />See you when it's over.<br /><br />--MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-1849152813666567632009-08-27T07:11:00.004-06:002009-08-27T07:15:15.538-06:00StartedSchool started, been crazy. More to come<br /><br />The pictures. They are mostly like over you with my last really bad relationship (Kieran or David) and They are true. I was angry when I made them. Still can't post them. More laterAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-15253056019497911952009-08-19T08:18:00.004-06:002009-08-19T08:26:34.703-06:00New ExpressionI have found a new kind of fun way to express myself.<br /><br />I am always looking for avatars that say certain things to go with my current emotion. One of the ways I have recently found to express this is to make my own avatars using GIMP Image Editor<br /><br />I will post them when my computer will let meAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-45614996413244152542009-08-18T09:56:00.000-06:002009-08-18T09:57:40.847-06:00DAY TREATMENT!!!!!!!They left it up to us and we chose Day Treatment. They'll call us with more information later today<div><br /></div><div>I start probably tomorrow!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>YAY!!!</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-83233386874971726222009-08-18T03:32:00.003-06:002009-08-18T03:34:25.884-06:003 am and scared sleeplessAnd that's exactly what I am. I am so afraid of what the outcome of this call might be that I am unable to sleep. Reading I can't concentrate on and nothing seems to entertain.<br /><br />In four hours we find out. Scared? Me to.<br /><br />"There is no fear but death itself"<br /><br />Well sorry Plato or whoever wrote this, but You are wrong!<br /><br />signing off<br /><br />--MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-71088810375807550352009-08-17T22:08:00.002-06:002009-08-17T22:11:15.560-06:00TomorrowIt seems all my posts are about the next day or my BPD, so here's another one with both.<br /><br />Tomorrow, we find out for sure, whether or not I will go to residential, or I will go to Summit Day Treatment.<br /><br />Everyone cross your fingers and pray that I can stay with my family and attend Day Treatment.<br /><br />"Thy Will be Done"<br /><br />Signing off<br /><br />--MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-5384630789419634922009-08-09T10:58:00.004-06:002009-08-09T11:14:50.968-06:00The Day That I DieTomorrow we find out if they are going to send me to Day Treatment, or to Residential Treatment for the next 2+ years. I'm def scared. I know I won't be going to school for a while, and my mom says there is a possibility that I may have to graduate a year later than my peers, which is ok I guess. At least then I will be 18 when I graduate instead of 17. With Day Treatment if I complete my treatment fast enough, I may be able to make up any credits that I miss to graduate at the same time as my peers.<br /><br />Honestly, graduation and school seem so inconsequential compared to facing 2+ years in a mental hospital away from my family. Cade would be 18 by the time I get out, if that doesn't tell you something, it ought to.<br /><br />As for graduating with people my age, or people I know my age, I could care less. For the most part, I find that the people my age can't handle my problems and so I can't make very good lasting relationships.<br /><br />The biggest thing that scares me is not going to Res, although that would suck. It's that this is going to get worse. It's that I won't be ok, until I'm 20 or 30. If the doctors diagnosis is correct and this is "emerging" BPD, then I am going to get much much worse. With 2 attempts on my record, and BPD having the highest suicide rate, plus the fact it's not going to get better for 6+ years, that's a scary thought, even when you don't want to think about.<br /><br />Another huge downside to Res, besides that they are so expensive, is that Kelly and Jamie just had twins (yay them!!) and If I go, I won't be able to meet them until they are 2+, after I get out.<br /><br />My parents want Day Treatment, as do I, but Dr. Goldstein thinks that Residential Treatment would be better for me.<br /><br />It has the highest rate of helpfulness for people with BPD, and even then it's not very high. In fact, most all forms of treatment don't work very well.<br /><br />Of Course, if you haven't already heard all of this, you haven't read my mom's blog.<br /><br /><br />But obviously, I do not want to spend 2+ years away from home. In that time, my family may move, which means I would never see this house again, or my room.<br /><br />For those who don't know, I took 14 pills, or 700 mg, of a anti-depressant, that works as my sleep aid. In other words, I took 700 mg of sleeping pills.<br /><br />So tomorrow is the day that I die (go to res) or live (day treatment).<br /><br />I say that, because not seeing my family or being home for so long is like a little death for me, a little death inside me.<br /><br /><br />Signed<br /><br />MaddiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-67560008559678211732009-07-16T12:32:00.002-06:002009-07-16T12:39:01.461-06:00I don't know where I went wrong.I got back in touch with a friend I thought I'd lost and everything seemed fine and we just talked yesterday. Nothing unusual. Today he decides he doesn't want anything to do with me again.<br /><br />Why is it that even when I don't do anything, I still can't manage to hold on to friends?<br /><br />He says I'm trying to lead him down a path. The only thing I can think of, is that I was trying to be able to hang out with him and a girl, but that is because I really want to meet this girl, I never have in real life, and I'm not comfortable doing it without someone who knows both of us. I was talking to him just normal. I can't see what I did, but once again, I managed to lose someone.<br /><br />It makes you wonder sometimes, If I'm just not meant to have friends. If I'm supposed to be alone. Cuz that's the way everything seems to be going lately. Yes, I mess up alot, but I really didn't do anything this time.<br /><br />Which leads me to ask, is it that I'm a bad person, or is that people just generally don't want to be around me?<br /><br />--Maddi<br /><br />"People say friends are like flowers, and you pick as many as you can. They are truly all like flowers, since all my friendships seem to wilt, die and fade."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6669770912426260601.post-77168669301076859692009-06-24T16:13:00.001-06:002009-06-24T16:16:02.540-06:00Anony the MouseAnony the Mouse and your secret pal have both been repeatedly posting as my friends in my flowers vase. While it is cute to hear that I have these secret friends out there, I will not deny my ambition to find out who they are. If anyone has any clues, hints, guesses, or knows who they are, I'd like to know!! you all know me, I hate secrets, when I'm not the one keeping them!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com3